Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Make Money Online While Being Abducted by Aliens

Many of you may have been wondering where I've been all this time. I can assure you that even when you don't hear from me, you can bet your bottom dollar (which, incidentally, you can Paypal to me if you deem it necessary) that I'm making money online in some kind of way. So again, you may wonder why I haven't posted in such a long time. True, I've been busy with the usual blog moneymaking tactics I always employ, but the interesting thing is I've been able to generate online profits even while I was abducted by aliens and taken aboard a UFO recently.

See, let me explain. I have long believed that there was intelligent life on other planets. I just always wondered if they would be interested in giving me their money as well. So, I logged on to the internet and shortly discovered that my every money making move on the Web was being tracked by a rogue gang of aliens from the planet Zorkon, close to Tau Ceti. I found this out because I had recently signed up with Twitter, and they ended up following me on Twitter. Well, long story short, one night while I was making an evening deposit into my massive bank account via the ATM machine, a huge, bright light shone down directly above my car. All of a sudden, I was literally vacuumed up into a saucer-shaped spaceship and taken aboard a real-deal alien spacecraft. I saw rows and rows of sophisticated computer equipment, and I witnessed them working on computers that must have had several terabytes of RAM--really, really fast stuff. One of the aliens offered me some Bar-B-Q Fritos, which I couldn't resist. What I didn't know was that at the point I opened my mouth to consume the Fritos, another alien jammed a Q-tip in my mouth and took a throat culture right there on the spot. They then examined the culture under some type of highly sophisticated computerized microscope. Once they ran several tests and pulled several reports, all in the blink of an eye, I realized that they were ascertaining my money making capabilities directly from my DNA. They also strapped me into a machine and placed electrodes on my head, and performed several brain scans. It was amazing.

Long story short, after much intensive (and yet quick) research, they all agreed that there was no one living on planet Earth today that has more money making ideas and strategies than yours truly. So from now on, when you read this blog about making money online, always remember that I am Zorkonite-approved as the ultimate money making guru of all time.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

I Make More Money Online Than John Chow, Darren Rowse, Shoemoney, AND Their Grandmothers Combined

You know, in the world of making money online there are those who stand out from the crowd and those who don't. There are those who have earned a reputation for themselves and those that just make money on the internet behind the scenes. I am more of the latter class than the former. I am the kind of internet marketer that keeps a low profile, but yet quietly racks up more online income than Darren Rowse, Shoemoney, and John Chow all combined, even when you include their respective grandmothers' income on top of that.

So how do I manage to find myself virtually drowning in thousands of $100 bills every week? Very easy...I earn money online through various means, many of which you will have to check the archives to get the full understanding of. The important thing is that I maintain a diversified portfolio of online income generation through various money making means, such as Adsense, affiliate programs, ebooks, lead generation, going insane, selling squid doo-doo, and completely ripping people off with sales copy that promises them hundreds of thousands of dollars a month for the low price of $37.00. It's actually very easy. In the words of P.T. Barnum, "There's a sucker born every minute." Thank God those suckers know where to go to get more of their money taken by savvy internet marketers...that's right, they come HERE.


But stick around and keep reading the archives to get more incredibly incredible information on making money online. Who knows...you may be the next Shoemoney, John Chow, or Darren Rowse, and then I'll be making more money than you too.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

I Made $45,342.53 in ONE DAY on MySpace!!!

Ninety percent of making money online is attitude; the other half is skill. Some would like to believe that luck is involved in making tons of money online, but I greatly disagree. I even have the online income to prove it. Luck is a fantasy word. The true internet marketer or online entrepreneur doesn't depend on luck; they depend on a random chance occurrence that arbitrarily brings them into good fortune. There's a big difference.

Having become a master of online revenue generation myself, I can now share with you how "the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer". I have learned so many different money making secrets on how to generate online income, that now I am a multi-millionaire with multiple revenue streams to my credit. One of these streams was created just yesterday while I was on MySpace, blogging about how horrible Ashlee Simpson's outfit in People magazine was.

Yep, I made $45,342.53 yesterday, within a 1-hour period, while I was on MySpace!!! How did I do it, you ask? The process was very simple, and completely repeatable. Here's the basic overview of how it was done:

1. As I said earlier, I simply logged on to MySpace as usual and started blogging about celebrity drama like many MySpacers do.

2. While I was logged on, I left the computer for a few minutes and walked down the street to a local convenience store.

3. I bought 3 lottery tickets, the kind with the cool scratch-off games.

4. I scratched off a winning combination and WON $45,342.33 just like that!!!

5. I cashed in my winnings, returned home, and continued blogging on MySpace, fully aware of my extraordinary capability to attract money and success no matter what I do.

Now as you can tell, this is a very repeatable system for anyone else looking to create online income with a minimal amount of real work. All it takes is a little elbow grease, some determination, and the directions to the nearest convenience store. Now go and get 'em, and make cash with the rest of them!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Make So Much Money Online That You Vomit $100 Bills!!!

Tired of just making money online with no frills, thrills, or chills? Do you want to know what it's like to have a blog moneymaking extravaganza of monsoonish cash rolling in to your life and literally knocking you flat on your back with a thunderous crash of eardrum-shattering profit-pulling multimillionaire-making typhoonish tsunamish abundance??? Then get in on my plethora of money making secrets. One only has to peruse my blog archives to realize the ridiculous amount of cash manufacturing secrets that are stored in this treasure trove of online revenue generation. Is this blatant self-promotion? Heck yeah. That's how we internet marketers make things happen.

So whether it's making money with AdWords, or using StumbleUpon to make money, or even tweeting yourself to near-insanity while making money with Twitter, you have found the one-stop shop for all of your online education on how to be an internet marketing wondermoneymaker. You wanna know how to keyword stuff? You wanna understand the difference between black hat and white hat techniques? What about top hat techniques? See, you don't even know about that one, do you? That's because the top hat set of SEO strategies is only reserved for the most elite of SEOers. That's a whole other post, for another time. In fact, I may only release those techniques to my current list of 4,563,423,677.33333 RSS subscribers. Who else do you know would anchor the term 4,563,423,677.33333?

So at the end of the day, the only reason why I'm going through this whole promotion is to prove to you that if you stick with the money making techniques I teach, you will eventually make so much money that you will literally vomit $100 bills. Where else can you learn cash-generating techniques that make even your puke worth money? Nuff said.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

I Stumbled Upon Making Tons of Money Online with Stumble Upon!

To the person with frequent motor skill failure, you can make big money online using StumbleUpon. For those who may not know, StumbleUpon is a social networking site primarily geared towards people with low levels of physical coordination (hence the name). People stumble in & out of various web portals, bookmarking and sharing sites of interest along the way. It's a wonder that they're able to even accomplish this much, given the lack of motor skills that they're dealing with.

For the savvy internet marketer such as myself, you can easily see a world of money making opportunity just beckoning you to plunder its bottomless wealth by taking advantage of all these stumbling, tripping, and falling people. Being a person of superior physical prowess, I am not able to relate to all these people that stumble for a living, but I can sure market to them! Although it's not the norm for any internet marketer to divulge their money making secrets, I have so many different ones in my arsenal, it won't hurt me one bit to let one "leak" out to my faithful readership--all 4,563,423,677.3333 of them.

The first step to making online income from Stumblers is to identify the core problem that they all share in common, and find a good affiliate product or Google Adsense niche to meet that problem. Since their problem is obviously lack of physical coordination, I would focus on any type of medical treatments that could greatly improve hand-eye coordination, or anything that would help restore a person's correct equilibrium. This is an Adsense money maker going somewhere to happen.

Once you have identified the problem, and then matched the appropriate money making product to that problem, sign up on StumbleUpon and promote the CRAP out of that product to all of your fellow Stumblers. If you thought their coordination was poor to begin with, wait until you see how they trip, back-pedal, and lose all sense of good balance clamoring to buy your product or click your ads! You have a veritable universe of people just chomping at the bit to fork over money to you, to the point that your Paypal account is deluged with astronomical amounts of orders that literally break ALL of Paypal's servers and shut the entire system down, causing them to cut paper checks to everyone, including yourself!!! The only difference is, YOUR check will be for millions, while everyone else will just sit & watch, fuming with envy.

I hope this post has opened your eyes to the potential that StumbleUpon has when you match it with a make money online blog. Don't be an idiot...stumble into your multi-millionaire online business today!!!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I Made $35,673.9777 in One Day While Tweeting on Twitter!!!

Folks, there are a ton of ways to make money online, and if you're clueless as to even one, it's best that you just close up shop and get out of the business entirely. In this post, I'm going to dive into only ONE of the many money making secrets that I have accumulated over the past few years that has enabled me to bring in an appendix-rupturing amount of money, creating yet one more stream of income to add to my multiple revenue streams that keep my money coming in for periods of time that are longer than this run-on sentence I'm writing right now.

Just to give you a little incentive to read further, I'll go ahead and put this out there: I made $35,673.9777 on Twitter.

Yep, on Twitter.

How did I do it?

Tweeting, my friend. Just tweeting.

For those who may not know, Twitter is a social networking website that enables people to perform bird-like functions. Random, miscellaneous and obscure communications fly back and forth on Twitter at the speed of light. These communications are known as "tweets". Among these tweets you will see such things as what people are eating for dinner at a given moment, how much their shirt from K-Mart costs, and random "atta boys" and "talk to you soon's" aimed "@ John", "@ Red Dog", or "@ Happy723". Those who are addicted to tweeting will swear that they cannot live without these "tweets", and hang on the edge of their seat to see whether or not "Jim555" woke up at 9:30 a.m. or 10:00 a.m. this morning. Most Twitter addicts consider all of this tweeting activity to be a wise investment of time. I, however, consider it to be a wide open, gaping field of money making opportunity beckoning me to partake of its tweeting bounties.

The way that I earn cash online with Twitter is by tweeting about how much money I make online doing other online business ventures. Other Twitter addicts see these tweets, and are forced to check out my website, which usually sends me a plethora of traffic just ripe for blog monetization. Once the traffic arrives, I usually monetize my blog with some sort of pay-per-click ads a la Adsense or Yahoo Publisher ads, and these tweeters begin a torrential clicking frenzy which rivals the speed of a school of piranhas skeletonizing a whole cow.

So there it is in a nutshell--my money making system known as "Tweet-Mining". A simple, and yet powerful money making method that works every time, because tweeters can often be suckers. If you doubt whether this method can make your blog make money, I feel sorry for you...you'll be the one sitting on your couch without $35,673.9777 of extra pocket change to carry around.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Make Serious Money Online by Being Extremely Serious

I have already covered the importance of intensity in your blog moneymaking endeavors. I have also covered the importance of not being conventional in your cash generating tactics (see my previous post for more on that one). One thing that I have failed to touch on as of yet is the importance of being serious when you're making money online. Although I've been known to be somewhat of a prankster, a joker, a space cowboy, and even the Gangster of Love (that's what some call me anyway), I take my online business very seriouser than most.

In order for you to make serious money online, you have to be extremely serious. There's no way around it. This is very similar to the concept of making asinine money online by creating asinine content (gloobeefoobie, anyone?). If you have noticed a trend here, or if this post seems to be a slightly altered version of the previous post, that's because it is. I am simply creating content that basically boils down to stupid crap, all designed to either make you laugh or bore you to tears. Either way it goes, I win, because at the end of the day, only a serious internet marketer such as myself would even have the courage to attempt such a thing. And again, it takes a serious person to even give something like this a try.

Here's the paragraph where I utilize long tail keywords such as online money making tips, multiple streams of income, earn money, and e books. This is an essential part of my butt-kicking SEO skills, which also require great seriousivity. If you're not ready to be as serious as a heart attack, a nervous system failure, or even a chain reaction of exploding brain cells, you're not ready to earn money online.

So how do you get this serious? Well, there's two primary ways you can get it done:

1. Ask one of your friends to take a baseball bat and whack you on the head very hard one good time. Ask him to aim for the left-rear section of your head. This should affect the area of your brain that regulates seriousness, thereby making you incapable of entertaining non-serious thoughts.

2. Ask another friend (or, heck, maybe the same one) to inject you with sodium pentathol (a.k.a. truth serum). This should eliminate all sarcasm, snappy comebacks, and humor-based statements, stripping away all aspects of communication that could cause you to not be serious, leaving only the capability for you to be serious.

Now that you have a large knot on your head and dope in your system, you're finally able to really focus on making money online. Don't hand me no wuss crap about how much the baseball bat hurt or that you "don't like needles"; you have to learn how to stop at nothing in your determination to make your blog make money. After all, that's what serious internet marketers do.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Make Asinine Money Online--To the Point of Extreme Asininity

Don't listen to all these noobs out there with their cute little blogs trying to teach you how to make money online--most of the time they don't know what they're talking about. They've been involved in internet marketing for a grand total of three weeks and now all of a sudden they're ready to tell you all about how to make money fast...most of them can't even afford a popsicle on their Adsense earnings.

I have been in this game long enough to know what it takes to make tons of cash online. I have explained several cash generating methods and several money making secrets that are lost on the average web entrepreneur. I still have several techniques and methods in my deep bag of tricks that can make John Cougar Mellencamp cut a backflip over the Empire State Building while being chased by a half-insane man dressed as a monkey.

If you're like most people, you probably read that previous sentence and said--"WHAT???"

That's exactly my point...if you're ever going to separate yourself from the "blog make money online" crowd, you have to get a little asinine. Only when you get asinine can you expect to make asinine amounts of money online. As a matter of fact, gleeblefork gloobledookie gobble-gobble stupidhead flipperdoo jabberwockey ding-ding merry merry ha ha hoo hoo chizzleputty.

There it is again--keyword stuffing asinine words so that you can truly make asinine money online. If there's one thing I've learned about making money on the internet, it is the fact that you have to stand out from the crowd by saying something different. Not only have I done that with this and previous posts I've written, but I have taken it a step further with this post by writing complete gibberish. Blibby-blibby, stoopidhibby. Tookie-tookie, snook-falookie. Globber-globber, Google-snobber. Ultimately, these techniques will ensure that I will rule the make money online niche. Here's to your blooblefizzymuckyfluckybeebledweeble too!!!

Monday, May 12, 2008

Blog Moneymaking Wonder-Force Power -- How to Get It

Using Blog Moneymaking Wonder-Force Power Like Your Life Depended on It


If you think you've learned all there is to know about making your blog make money, you're sadly mistaken. There is a whole other realm of money making power that most people have yet to tap into, which if they did, it would propel them into higher levels of consciousness, larger multiple streams of revenue, and insane amounts of hot chicks and studly guys.

This altered realm of consciousness will reveal certain money making secrets that are widely considered absolute mysteries to the average internet marketer, but yet second nature to those who possess the ability to tap into it. I alluded to it a while back in my post about making money online with the law of attraction, but honestly, I didn't even scratch the surface. This power...nay, this FORCE, is known as Blog Moneymaking Wonder-Force Power.

This is a powerful combination of traffic exchange, self-publishing, website flipping, social media marketing, blog monetization, and paid surveys, along with a healthy dose of wealth psychology and the power of Chi to boot. What normally happens is that you relax yourself in the lotus position, assume a calm, meditative posture, and slowly descend and yet ascend into a higher level of super-realistic consciousness where you come to realize that you can only become one with the everything if you completely embrace the nothingness that is actually something.

Once this happens, you are now truly ready to sit down at your computer and blog yourself into online money making insanity as I mentioned in my last post.

How do you ever arrive at such a level? It takes patience, my friend. There is no free lunch. But there will be, however, free money that will absolutely bowl you over with typhoon-like force and torrenting your Paypal account with monstrous profits if you simply follow these simple ways to make money online. Here's to your Blog Moneymaking Wonder-Force Power success!!!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Blog Yourself into Online Money Making Insanity!

There's no better way to blog yourself into a ridiculous euphoria of money making nirvana than to create a "make money online" blog. Here you have, at your very nimble fingertips, the ability to bring in multiple revenue streams with the click of a mouse. What more could you want?

I want to cover some top secret money making secrets that are very secretive. Now you know, since I'm such a generous guy, having already made millions of dollars on the internet (a practice that you so desperately seek to know the keys to), I really have nothing left to do except to expound upon the profundity of methodologies that I use to bring in the big bucks, mainly because I want to give back to all the "little guys" who may be deprived of such knowledge. This blog is my means of "giving back" to the community that has so graciously given to me, in the form of flooding my CJ account with affiliate sales from the plethora of "make money" ebooks I tirelessly market to anyone that's gullible enough to take the bait.

So how do you arrive at generating any revenue from blogging? You have to use a long-neglected ingredient in internet marketing: INTENSITY. That's right, folks, you have to get absolutely intense, to the point of near-insanity. As a matter of fact, if you're not willing to blog yourself into a rabid frenzy, you're not really ready for the big money online. If you're not willing to grab your computer monitor and smash your head right into the center of the screen, you're still playing around with this thing. As a matter of fact, if you're not willing to flip your computer desk completely over, set your PC on fire, bust out your bedroom window, and then hurl your flaming computer out of the window while screaming "Bring it on, cyberspace!!!", you might as well take up stamp collecting. Because any other degree of intensity besides what I just described is simply not going to cut it.

Come talk to me when you're really serious about making money online. Until then, keep tip-toeing through your pixie-dust blogging fantasy-world.

Monday, May 5, 2008

50 Money Making Ways to Increase Traffic to Your Blog (50th Post!!!)

Make Money with Your Blog as You Help Me Celebrate My 50th Post!!!


This post will forever stand as a landmark in the arena of making money online. Why, you ask? Because SteadyPhil's Make Money Online Blog has now officially reached 50 posts!!! As a part of the celebration, I wanted to give credit where credit is due--Thanks again to all of my 4,563,423,627.33333 Feed Readers--you guys wouldn't be where you are without me.


The greater part of this celebration, however, is what I will give to all of you, my loyal readership (and any new traffic that Google is generously sending my way, due to my absolute mastery of search engine optimization). I have decided to do something that is rather unique, especially for an internet marketer that pulls in boatloads of cash without even hardly waking up in the morning. I'm going to use this 50th post to give back to the internet marketing community; I'm going to "spill the beans" here and expose some of the most death-defying, all-encompassing, hyper-extending, lethal-weapon-wielding, hyphenated-word-describing money making methods ever known to mankind, and even some select animal species.


But don't let these extremely overly superlatively descriptive words fool you. I'm going to show you my bare-bones, cut-and-dry, to-the-core, no-nonsense traffic generating methods that have allowed me to reach the prestigious level of 8th Degree Google Black Belt. But before I do that, let me first give you a little history.


I had heard from several of the A-list bloggers in the "make money online" niche that you have to write "pillar posts" if you want to really bring in the big bucks and make your blog make money. I mistakenly thought that they were saying "pillow posts", and so I created a blog that described all different types of couch pillows, throw pillows, memory foam pillows, and so forth. I found out quickly that this wasn't the case. They actually meant "PILLAR" posts, as in something that stands as a memorial or a landmark, solid as a rock, like a large column on a big building. I fully intend on this post being one that will go down in history; one that you will one day sit around the fireplace with your grandchildren and recount with a warm sense of joy in your heart. And I can think of no better topic to memorialize in a post than how to increase the amount of incoming traffic to your blog.


So, with that having been said, it's time to make history with...


50 Money Making Ways to Increase Traffic to Your Blog


1. Write letters to all of your friends asking them to visit your website. Include a flyer with your URL printed on it.


2. Hire a pilot to skywrite your URL.


3. Hire another pilot to fly a plane with a trailing banner that has your website printed on it. NOTE: Only use your top-level domain; anything else will be way too long to print on a banner.


4. Climb to the top of a mountain and send smoke signals in the shape of your URL.


5. Send your URL via morse code to all of the submarines in the U.S. Navy. This will hopefully garner those ever-valuable "dot mil" backlinks.


6. Go streaking during the halftime show at your local high school's football game. Make sure to hold up a sign with your URL written on it.


7. Call a meeting with all of the shoeshine boys in your state and tell them to give your URL as the latest "hot internet tip".


8. Go to your local news stations, tell them you were Paris Hilton's boyfriend/girlfriend, and then tell them they can read all about it at your website.


9. Attend the PGA tour, stay within eyeshot of the camera, and hold up a sign with your URL on it, right beside the guy with the "John 3:16" sign.


10. Take a trip to Pedro Escebedo (in Mexico) during Easter, and stand right beside the crying statue of the Virgin Mary holding a sign with your URL printed on it. You'll have thousands of onlookers clamoring to visit your blog.


11. Spray-paint your URL on any famous tourist landmark, such as the Statue of Liberty or the Washington Monument.


12. Hire a pyrotechnics expert to create a bundle of fireworks that will explode into the shape of your URL. Make sure to launch them at the most popular 4th of July fireworks display in your town.


13. Post a suicide note on your blog and then kill yourself. Downside: Can only be done once.


14. Sneak into your local Chinese restaurant and replace their fortune cookies with cookies that all have your URL printed on the paper inside.


15. Stand in the middle of Times Square and hold a sign with your URL printed on it. This is way more effective if you scream expletives the entire time.


16. Become a contestant on "Jeopardy" and write your URL as the answer to the Final Jeopardy clue.


17. Plummet off the edge of Niagra Falls in a kayak with your URL painted on the hull.


18. Become a contestant on "Wheel of Fortune" and shout your URL as the phrase that solves the puzzle.


19. Enter as a contestant on "American Idol" and tell Ryan Seacrest that everyone has to vote for you by visiting your website.


20. Google bomb your URL for the term "Mariah Carey". Easy traffic here.


21. While you're at it, pay Mariah Carey to create a song with your URL in the chorus.


22. Find a way to get a hold of the master copy of the S.A.T. test, and print your URL in the top-right corner. Once the test is mass-distributed, you'll get a TON of teenage traffic.

23. Steal a copy of the President's State of the Union speech, and insert your website address into a couple of key spots. Before he even knows it, he'll be promoting your website to the entire country on national TV!

24. Hire a team of Navy S.E.A.L.s and have them conduct a clandestine operation to break into the home of every person in the U.S. who has a computer, and then have each member of this crack team log on & visit your site. This will give you tons of hits from unique IP's all across the country.

25. Pay Oprah's broadcast producer to insert your URL into the teleprompter text a couple of times. There's no greater traffic magnet than having "Oprah juice".

26. While you're at it, write a 150-page book with nothing but your URL on every page, and then have Oprah promote it to her Book Club.

27. Pay Dr. Wayne Dyer to sprinkle his esoteric spiritual talks with your URL a couple of times. This will help you draw the ever-important personal development traffic.

28. Get John Chow to review your site.

29. Get Darren Rowse of ProBlogger to promote your site on his feed...he's the only person I know with more feed readers than me.

30. While I'm thinking about it, don't forget the basics I taught you a long time ago about linking to ProBlogger. Do this and your traffic is guaranteed.

31. Create list posts, like this one. Don't go for 50, though...this crap is TEDIOUS.

32. Deep link every single word in your make money online posts much like I did with this one.

33. Put your URL as a reference link for every single topic on Wikipedia.

34. Get Google to put a link to your URL on their home page, right under the search bar. Tell them it's for some environmental cause, and you'll be a shoe-in.

35. Do the same for Yahoo.

36. Then do the same for MSN.

37. Convince the U.S. Postal Service to create a stamp with your URL on it. Talk about insane amounts of exposure!

38. Fake your own abduction by a UFO. Leave a note telling everyone that the aliens will only reveal your location through your website.

39. Sponsor a Village People reunion concert and hang a banner behind center stage with your URL plastered all over it. I mentioned the power of the Village People in a previous post about how to make millions online with Clickbank--you would do well to take heed to that advice.

40. Follow the traffic-pulling method I outlined when I talked about about making your blog make money with Shoemoney and John Chow.

41. Go on Dancing with the Stars and wear some tight bell-bottomed slacks with your URL embroidered on both back pockets. Note: This will not work if you are not a star.

42. Convince your local newspaper to edit their crossword puzzle so that every clue spells out your URL.

43. Persuade your local Wal-Mart greeter to wear a hanging sign with your URL printed on it.

44. Work closely with your local Girl Scouts chapter to sell cookies with your URL drizzled on the top in fudge.

45. Convince the CIA to broadcast ultrasonic radio waves giving people the subliminal instruction to visit your website.

46. The next time Paris Hilton goes to jail, be SOMEWHERE near the action, holding a sign with your URL printed on it. You'll get tons of media coverage by default.

47. Legally change your name to your URL. This will force people to think about your website every time they think about you.

48. One word: Spam. No, not the unsolicited commercial email you're thinking of, I'm talking about getting back to the real thing; Create a partnership with Spam (the canned meat product) and ask them to put your URL on their label in exchange for placing a Spam advertising banner on your site.

49. Create your own search engine and have your website listed as number one for every single search result. Check out SteadyPhil's Search Engine as an example.

50. Repeat each of the above steps twice to give you 100 money making ways to generate MAD traffic to your blog!!!

Friday, May 2, 2008

Make Big Money Online with NO Common Sense!

Can it be possible for you to make big money online without even having a decent amount of common sense? I'm here to tell you, not only will being an idiot not be a hindrance to making money online, it will actually HELP you! Remember my post about the half-insane idiot who made billions with Google AdWords? Well, I've got that guy beat by a mile...I actually make tons of money on the internet without even using a shred of common sense!

I know that it's natural to be skeptical when anyone makes such claims as these, so I thought it would be helpful for me to show you my past 5 days of deposits:

Monday: $34,568.09
Tuesday: $21,777.41
Wednesday: $124,878.88
Thursday: $123,456.78
Friday: $98,765.43

"But Phil", you say, "How do I know that you really deposited that money? What if you just pulled some figures out of the air?" Hey idiot...WAKE UP!!! If you even need all this "proof" of my online income, you're using too much common sense! How many times do I have to tell you? You're not ready for the greater levels of multiple revenue streams online unless you know how to interpret things at face value. Real money makers don't think; they simply decide and act with the least amount of information possible. All that "research" and "due diligence" just clogs your mind from making that all-important cash-generating snap decision. Remember, the more you think, the less you act. So take a lesson from a true online income earner--don't question; just jump in and put my money making secrets to work, and you'll see the cash start rolling in like a Tasmanian tsunami on crystal meth!!!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

How Does a Blog Make Money Online?

How Does a Blog Make Money? The Answer -- No Guts, No Glory

There are a lot of people in the "make money online blogging" world that don't have the slightest clue about how to make a blog make money. As a matter of fact, they wouldn't know a money making blog if it hopped up to them on a pogo stick and slapped them in the left eye with a wet fish. In a previous post I've already given you 5 reasons why your blog sucks and won't make any money and how mine will earn easy money online--it's really simpler than you think.

Of course, since I'm rolling with only the most elite internet marketers in the blogosphere, I share the same testimonial (sworn, mind you) of simply stumbling upon the money making secrets that have turned me into a multi-millionaire, really without even trying. At one point, I pulled in $35,678.65 in three hours from my Paypal account and I don't think I was even breathing. I was going for the Guinness World Record on how long I could hold my breath, and sure enough, while I was setting a new world record (yet another income stream there), my Paypal account balance had jumped over 30 grand in just 3 hours. Now why, you ask, was I trying to break a breath-holding world record? Simple, my friend...when you have so much money that you simply don't know what to do with your time, and everything is boring to you, you have nothing left to do but set world records in obscure categories.

All of this is leading me to this point: If you really want to make big cash online, you have to be bold enough and brave enough to do whatever it takes to get the job done. I already told you about the power of using guerrilla money making tactics to earn money online. While I'm thinking about it, if you want a quick primer on everything you need to know to create multiple revenue streams online, simply browse through the archives of this site and feast upon the savory hunks of money making wisdom that spatter from my spittle. If you do this, you will not only gain priceless knowledge, but it will also help me to not have to disguise the extremely obvious deep linking I'm doing with this post.

It doesn't matter what method you choose to make cash online--it can be through an ebook marketing plan (boy are THOSE lucrative), free paid surveys, electronic publishing, squid doo-doo peddling, various internet marketing services, or simply long tail keyword stuffing such as what I'm doing right now. The common denominator to all of this is the fact that if you don't summon the courage to make big money online, you're going to fail.

So how do you get this courage? I recommend you do one thing and one thing only: Make a list of 20 things you need to do to summon this courage, and then go out and DO 'EM!!! Go get 'em! Don't hand me any excuses, just do it!

If you feel like my instructions are vague, ambiguous, and mostly useless, you have just entered the realm of the ultimate internet marketing gurus. That's all you have to do to continue to reap massive online profits in whatever home based business you choose! Simply create an ebook that gives out instructions that almost NO ONE can follow, promise the whole world but then deliver a cupcake, and then set it all up through Clickbank to really make it happen. Once you do this, you will truly know the satisfaction of seeing your blog make money online!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

How to Make Money Online by Getting 150,000 RSS Subscribers

Making Money Online by Getting Astronomical Amounts of RSS Subscribers


In the Web 2.0 world of blogging to make money online, RSS subscribers seem to be the Holy Grail of measurements as to whether or not you have achieved online success. This being the case, you can see by my Feedburner count on the sidebar that I have already attained a ridiculously extreme amount of success in making money on the Web. "How can I be sure that you didn't tweak those numbers, Phil?" The answer is real simple: Remember...it has to be real if it's on the Internet!


So how did I go about collecting these 4,563,423,677.33333 feed readers? The answer is not as complex as you would like to think. As a matter of fact, this post is only going to deal with obtaining 150,000 subscribers, a mere fraction of the amount of readers I have obtained. I'm cutting you a MASSIVE break as far as the numbers are concerned; if you can't do this, you really should give up trying to make money online...you obviously don't have what it takes.

Before I delve into the master secret to explosive RSS success, let me emphasize that this is one of the most revered cash cows in the internet marketing world, and for good reason. Can taking online surveys make money like this? Seriously doubt it. Can you go the MMORPG route and make more money with Runescape than you can with this? Quite possibly, if you're a supernaturally hyper freak who doesn't sleep, eat, or go to the bathroom, and all you do is stay on the internet 24/7, then you may one day outrun the runaway profits that I am generating through my passive-income-generating list of RSS subscribers. These are confident claims, I know, but I have the proof to back it up. And if you follow my step-by-step instructions on how to do it yourself, you will experience the same earthquake-induced tsunami of online profits that I enjoy every day!

So let's get to it...

Play-by-Play Instructions on How to Knock an Automatic-Profit-Generating Home Run and Create a Touchdown of Cash-Generating RSS Subscribers That Will Give You a Slam Dunk of Stanley-Cup-Winning Residual Income!

Step 1: Sign up for 50,000 different Google accounts, using a different email address with each one.

Step 2: Sign up for 50,000 different Yahoo accounts, using a different email address with each one.

Step 3: Sign up for 50,000 different MSN accounts, using a different email address with each one.

What's this? I hear you whining about how much "work" this is? Do you want to make money on the Web or what? If you're a gutless wimp, then let's just stop here, but if you have a dream, and you want to see your dreams of making massive money online come true, then you're going to have to do exactly what I'm teaching you, no shortcuts. Losers whine. Winners get 150,000 email accounts.

Step 4: Subscribe to your blog in the feed reader of every single account. Every single one!!! Again, do you want to make serious money on the internet, or do you just want to talk the talk?

Step 5: Congratulations! You now have 150,000 RSS subscribers. According to the Web 2.0 gurus that dominate the "blogging to make money online" scene, the common valuation of each RSS subscriber is about $30.00, so my friend, you have just created a blog that's worth at least 4.5 MILLION dollars!!!

Now, this next step is for the true internet marketing ninjas only. Proceed with caution...

Step 6: Find someone who is brand new to the make money online blogging niche and flip the blog to them for 8 MILLION DOLLARS. It should be easy to get this done if you post the sale on Sitepoint.com.

That's all there really is to it...so what are you waiting for? Get off your butt, dust yourself off, and go really make money online with the big dogs!!!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Make HIDEOUS Amounts of Money as a Clickbank Super-Affiliate!

If you're not aware of the money making power of Clickbank, you must be a mental midget. I've been known to pull down some serious chingy in milliseconds with Clickbank. On one occasion, Commission Junction called me and told me to please stop forcing their employees to work overtime just to keep up all of the affiliate commissions they owe me. Upon their request, I did what any reasonable human being would do...I refused.


In a previous post I covered how I raked in $3,452,768.33333333334 in affilate sales on Clickbank, and how easy it is to make millions online with Clickbank. Please don't let anyone tell you that this stuff is hard...if you have to work to make money online, you don't even know what you're doing. I know how to bring in massive online profits even when I purposefully suspend my own heartbeat, much like a ninja.


But my intent with this post was not to just sit around and brag about my own superior money making skills; I wanted to give every one of you "little guys" a chance to experience the same success that I have enjoyed for months & months now. All it takes is just a little knowledge of the "nuts & bolts" of how Clickbank operates, and the rest is gravy. So, without further adieu...


A Nuts & Bolts, Step-by-Step, Play-by-Play, Moment-by-Moment, Second-by-Second Guide to Clickbank Affiliate Riches


Step 1: Although I've already covered this in my other post about making millions with Clickbank, it bears repeating here: Go to http://www.clickbank.com/ and register with a username & password.


Step 2: Think of a digital product that you would like to create. Some type of ebook, software, or other downloadable item that you could sell for MILLIONS. I would help you with some suggestions, but in the long run that won't be beneficial, as you need to harness your own creative energies to really do this right.


Step 3: You've got your product? Great. Now, put it in a digital format. If it was an ebook that you envisioned, create a PDF ebook out of your idea. If it was software, go to a technical college, get a degree in software engineering , and then create your software from scratch. You see the trend here? It's all about personal initiative. You can DO IT!!!


Step 4: Now design an affiliate program around your product. How, you ask? Look...if you're still asking stupid questions like "How?"...I'm sorry to tell you, but you're not ready to make any real money on the internet. Think Nike, people--Just Do It!

Step 5: Load your product onto Clickbank, set the sale price for something that ends in a "7" (i.e., $37 or $47 or better yet $97), and promote the CRAP out of it through various affiliate networks.

Once these steps are done, if you're not able to sit back in a lounge chair on the beach with a laptop on your lap and watch an AVALANCHE OF CASH roll your way, you obviously did something very wrong, my friend. Retrace your steps and see where the "missing link" is. Otherwise, you should me making money online so effortlessly, you'll almost have to pay someone to sit in the lounge chair and get bowled over by piles of cash FOR YOU while you run for your life from the whirlwind cyclone of money that'll be chasing you down!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Make Money Online -- Even on Earth Day!

Make Environmentally Friendly Money Online on Earth Day

For those who are not in the know about making money online while "going green", I thought I would write this post to enlighten you.

Nowadays it is a financially and socially viable trend to "go green" while carrying on your regular internet marketing business. Dude, if you don't know how to pull down killer online profits while keeping peace with Mother Nature, you're freakin' clueless.

The first step to making this happen is to realize that money itself is green. This should thrill you to no end, because the next conclusion you can draw is this: The more you make money online, the more you go green! Think about it: You are actually helping the environment by raking in insanely killer profits using my money making secrets as discussed in previous posts.

Now I don't personally know if the paper that money is printed on is recyclable, but to a certain degree that has to be true. Think about it: If you buy an ebook from me, purchase one of my affiliate products, or Paypal me a ton of cash for my latest internet marketing strategies, you have just given me money that I can now use to go buy something else! How much more environmentally responsible can you get??!!??

I don't see how this can't be a win-win-win for everyone. You win because you just purchased some life-altering money making secrets that are sure to make you thousands of dollars in mere nanoseconds with absolutely NO WORK involved...I win because I receive tons of money from you and many others...and finally, Mother Nature wins because we're circulating more environmentally-friendly money into the ecosystem!

So what are you waiting for??? Buy all of my affiliate products, and help save the Earth by making money online!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Make Money Online Faster Than a Bowlegged Squirrel on Crack!

Making Money Online at a Rapid and Even Rabid Pace

That's right, folks! I have just developed yet another money making system that can take anyone from being a complete worthless LOSER that deserves to be dragged out in the street, shot 49 times, and thrown off a CLIFF into a mega-cool WINNER that rakes in so much money online, they'll be able to wipe their DOG'S BUTT with hundred-dollar bills!!!

Trust me when I say, this is different than many of the systems and methods I have detailed in past posts, such as the S.M.A.R.T. way to make money online, or the I. D.O.N.T. S.U.C.K. method of making money online. This system doesn't even have an acronym! It uses a combination of associate programs, affiliate programs, blog tips, some miscellaneous quotes from Derek Gehl, and some semi-vague references to working from home. It is a hodgepodge of sorts, but always remember that VARIETY is what is needed to make big money online.

So here's the basic layout of my super-secret cash making system:

1. Call the Better Business Bureau and ask them to grant you immunity to any complaints about your online business.

2. Join practically every affiliate program you can find. I don't care if it's an associate program that sells cat doo-doo, it's worth its salt if you value diversification.

3. Run a Google AdWords campaign on the phrase "make money online at the beach while sitting in a lawn chair with your laptop", and then make sure to link to Perry Marshall.

4. Monetize the above three steps by installing StatCounter, tracing each search visitor's IP address, back-tracing their phone numbers through a paid phone tracing service, cold calling every search visitor one-by-one, and asking them to buy your affiliate products that you were pushing through your AdWords campaign.

If you can't see the ridiculously HUGE potential of such money making secrets as described above, you must be a schizophrenic brain-dead dimwit!!!

Now, some people have claimed that these methods are borderline "black hat", but I tend to disagree. I haven't worn a black hat in years, so this could not be possible. They are simply "out of the box" methods that small-minded non-success-minded people will never be able to accept or grasp, simply for the fact that these people don't have a clue about making money online. So don't let the simplicity of these methods fool you...put them to work and see if you don't start making big money online like me!!!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Make Money Online with Squidoo and Squid Doo-Doo!

Make Disturbing Amounts of Money Online with Squidoo and Squid Doo-Doo!

Versatility is an important component of making money online. You have to be ready to flow with the times, and when the winds of change start blowing, you better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone.

It's tough to navigate the murky waters of the online money making world. What monetization models should you choose? Should you try pay-per-click or pay-per-lead marketing? Should you become an expert in search engine optimization or should you just do an all-out onslaught of traffic-attacking techniques such as AdWords and affiliate marketing? All of these models have their strong points and weak points, and they all have their pros and cons. What's an internet marketer to do?

For the thinking entrepreneur, you don't want to get into any programs or techniques that cost a lot of money up-front. The ideal scenario is to go with something that can produce multiple streams of income with no out-of-pocket cost. There is such an ideal opportunity available in a website known as Squidoo. Squidoo is a website founded by famed marketer and blogger Seth Godin. The basic premise of the website is that users are allowed to create one-page portals known as "lenses" about whatever topic they choose. Squidoo posts Google AdSense ads on the lenses, and then when visitors click on the ads, Squidoo splits the revenue 50/50 with the lens makers (also known as "lensmasters").

This is HUGE. This is BIG. This is freakin' GARGANTUAN. What you don't realize is that there are NO LIMITS to the amount of lenses you can make. Just think...if you only made 2 cents off every lens you made per month, you would only need to make 50 million lenses to clear $1 million dollars a month!!!

Now imagine what you could do with a passive income of one million dollars a month. You could finally take that vacation you've been dreaming about. You can buy 3 Bentleys a month. You could finally tell that obnoxious boss of yours that he can stick it where the sun don't shine--you're making big money online now, and he can take this job and shove it! Fire your boss! Be your own boss! Hire yourself! Downsize your boss! Awaken the giant within! Seize the day! Keep off the grass!!!!!

So what are you waiting on? Let's get to lensmaking!!!

But wait--there's another method of generating multiple revenue streams that's even more exclusive and more secretive than making money with Squidoo lenses. It's only known by the upper echelon of internet marketers, and it deals in the more exotic circles of making money online. It's a dirty business, but it pays huge profits. It's more than just some sideline business that will help you to earn extra income; this thing will give you the money that's only enjoyed by the privileged few at the top of the economic food chain.

What am I referring to?

I'm talking about making money online selling squid doo-doo.

This is not to be mistaken for making money online with Squidoo. This is selling the actual defacation of a squid. This is high-dollar stuff. "Squid crapping", as it's known, is fast becoming one of the hottest and most viable business models ever to hit the internet marketing scene. Using a niche-store-generating software complete with a live data feed, merchant account and shopping cart module, you can market bags of squid doo-doo in various sizes and weights, as a gag gift, or as a form of specialized fertilizer, or even as an accessory in various art installations that are much too highbrow for the average art gallery patron.

"Can I really make money online with squid doo-doo?", you ask. Does a bear crap in the woods? Does a squid crap in the water? The answer, my friend, is in the question.

You will have to concentrate on finding good wholesale suppliers of squid crap, and this is the most time-consuming part. You will more than likely need to go overseas to get a respectable supplier with a decent profit margin. But, once you do, it's a veritable cash cow for the discerning entrepreneur. I will eventually provide a list of wholesale squid doo-doo suppliers in an ebook that I'm putting together--once it's done I'll market it through an affiliate program for $197.00 each. So stay tuned for the latest updates on this project.

Hopefully I have opened your eyes to the plethora of online profits that await you both with Squidoo and, ironically, squid doo-doo. Now go forth and make money online as only a squid fan can!!!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Using Long Tail Keywords to Make Money Online

Keyword research is an absolute must if you want to make big money online. Using the right type of keyword research is a key component of search engine optimization (SEO). There are different types of keywords, but they fall into five main categories:

(1) Keywords that are directly related to and contain your topic (short tail keywords),

(2) Keywords that are somewhat related to your topic but don't necessarily directly mention your topic (long tail keywords),

(3) Keywords that once were thought to be related to your topic (dog tail keywords),

(4) Keywords that are looking for a topic (whale tail keywords), and

(5) Keywords that are no longer keywords at all (blank tail keywords).

As you can see, this is a vast subject, so we will stick with two of the most profitable types of keywords, the short tail and long tail keywords.

Short tail keywords are a given. They are simply the exact word for whatever someone may be searching for on the internet. If someone was looking for a cell phone to buy, a short tail keyword that they might type into a search engine is "cell phone"; a pretty obvious choice. But the long tail keywords, however, are much more profitable, because they tell the search engine that you REALLY know your stuff.

To come up with some long tail keywords, it will take some serious brainstorming. It's not the easiest internet marketing strategy to implement, but nonetheless, it can yield some serious multiple revenue streams once you take advantage of it.

So how do you come up with long tail keywords? A good (and almost obvious) starting point would be to think of any type of thing that has a long tail. When you do this, several different types of animals should immediately come to mind. My first thought was the monkey. It has quite a long and useful tail, which is actually also known as a prehensile tail. There are several ideas that can come to your mind to monetize monkeys. You can do a monkey training website, or even a site about how to make money with Jane Goodall. The possibilities are truly endless!

Other long tail keywords that can get top billing in the search engines include lizards, rats, alligators, squirrels, and even cats. There are a ton of associate programs and affiliate networks that offer money making products for these keywords. Use caution, however: Only stick to animals that truly have long tails, not just any kind of tail. Bobcats just recently got the Google slap due to the shortness of their tails.

Probably one of the most solid money makers I know of is the snake. If you really think about it, the snake is almost entirely one big tail. How long is the snake's tail? Nobody really knows...it would almost seem like the tail begins as soon as the head stops. But does that mean that a snake has no neck? As you can see, these questions could go on and on...but for the sake of this post, just keep in mind that "snake" as a keyword is a long tail money maker for sure.

I have given you guys only a small sample of the blog monetization potential that is available using long tail keywords. Now is the time for you to take action and put these wealth building, money making secrets to work. All hail the long tail!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Make Money Online with a 3-Month Old Baby

So you thought Carl Ocab was awesome just because he knows how to make money online as a 13-year-old kid? Well, I've got a news flash for you, Walter Kronkite. In the world of us underground internet marketers who are really "in the know", Carl is a dinosaur.

This post will answer the age-old question "Can kids make money?" Well, here's your answer: Not only kids, but toddlers, and yes...even infants.


One small example: You remember the story in the Bible (Matthew 2:11) where the wise men brought Jesus all kinds of gold, frankincense and myrrh? He was only TWO YEARS OLD when this was happening, folks. He was making money as a toddler!


Now I know you say "Well, that was Jesus, the Son of God; of course He's going to make money." Well, it's not just limited to that. Think of how many kids are born into multi-million-dollar fortunes, or even billion-dollar fortunes! They're making money right off the bat! So please, no more excuses!

But I know what you're thinking..."What about making money on the internet?" You see, my friend...that's where the true stealth bomb secret of infantile cash inundation resides. I know of a 3-month-old baby that's kicking tail with pay-per-click marketing. He's making money with affilate programs such as Babies-R-Us and Pacifier Depot. Rumor has it he's pulling down $15,000 a month after AdWords expenses. Hey, don't hate, just congratulate.

This post should forever settle the fact that kids can make money online too. Don't let any of these fancy teenage Web 2.0 bloggers fool you...there's big bucks with the Barney crowd too!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Make Money Online with Web 2.0, Web 3.0, Web 4.5, and Web 347.2

Make Money Online Using Web 2.0 and WAYYY More...


Unless you've been hiding under a rock for the past two years, you should know that the hottest way to make money online is with all of the new Web 2.0 technologies, such as social media marketing. If you can't Stumble Upon a way to Digg through what you've Reddit, then you'll Furl on some serious Del.icio.us Technorati-cal ways to Sphinn your Propeller.


Although I have done previous posts on some classical methods like using eBay to make money, there are tons of opportunities to make money online with some of the newer technologies that are available, a la Web 2.0. That's right, if you ain't hip to the newest Wordpress themes and plugins that are available, you don't know squat about making money on the internet. As a matter of fact, I almost feel like a pathetic doofus for using a Blogspot blog because they're so passe. I am obviously not cool enough yet to rake in the dough with the big dogs, so I'll just wallow in my Web 0.5 sorrow.


Sometimes when I think about the way that Web 2.0 has revolutionized internet marketing, I get a little peeved because I feel like I just can't catch up with all the new blogging resources that are available. So, instead of trying to follow the path that the Web 2.0'ers have made, I'm blazing my own trail--that's right, I'm kicking it up a notch like Emeril.


Make Money Online with Web 3.0--Screw Web 2.0!!!


One of the first monetization models I'll be rolling out is...yes, none other than Web 3.0. Just as Web 2.0 is all about social bookmarking, Web 3.0 is about social book-binding. The way it works is simple: You can become a bookbinding vendor for all of your friends' writing projects! Many of us know people who are trying to earn extra income through writing books, but they lack the technical expertise to get the job done. But that's where you come in. You'll take whatever writing project they have, get it paginated and saddle-stitched in two shakes of a lamb's tail, and the next thing you know, you're creating yet another stream of income for yourself!

Make Money Online with Web 4.5--Another Step Forward

Just like Web 3.0 is a model that blows the doors off of Web 2.0, I have actually unearthed a money making method known as Web 4.5--get ready now, because here's where the true internet marketing ninjas get their kicks.

For this reason, I can only reveal a very minute detail about Web 4.5, and it's simply this: Web 4.5 is such an improvement on Web 2.0, that it's actually DOUBLE of what Web 2.0 is, plus an extra 0.5 on top of it! This guarantees you to have double the online profits you would normally have. And in the case of internet marketing gurus like myself, that equals to about half of America's total Gross National Product.

But I haven't even enlightened you to one of the true money making strategies that have propelled me to online revenue generation greatness. It's the ultimate tool in my arsenal...and I call it:

Web 347.2!!!

Making money online with Web 347.2 is reserved for the most elite internet marketers only. You may find hints of it in various ebooks being sold on eBay, or in the latest affiliate program. Social media marketing can't even touch what these money making techniques can to. They are as unstable as plutonium, yet subtle as the wind. Put these strategies into the wrong hands, and you've got yourself a nuclear fallout. This is why I cannot disclose these money making secrets on this post. Just suffice it to say...they're bad to the bone. The world is simply not ready yet.

So, for the general safety and welfare of the public, I will stick to the strategies that employ Web 4.5 and below to make money online. Maybe one day society will have advanced enough for me to reveal them, but until them, I will continue to rake in the online profits behind the curtain.

Friday, March 28, 2008

A Slight Money Making Intermission...

It's been a while since I've posted anything about making money online...this is mainly due to me taking some time out to do some much-needed soul-searching.

I've been debating about when I was going to unveil one of the most powerful money-making ebooks in the universe to my faithful readership for quite some time now. I kept thinking "No, wait...the timing is just not right." But, I could no longer put this off. It's far too important.

Evidently there is someone on the Web that takes the same attitude towards making money online as yours truly. I don't know the man personally, but he has published a whale of an ebook that gives away secrets to making INFINITE amounts of money. I wanted to share this ebook with you, my faithful readers, first. Don't let the title fool you--in case you haven't heard, stupid is the new smart.

You can check out his ebook here: http://www.buymystupidebook.com

Until next time...continue making gobs of money online!!!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Make $5,472.97 a Day Using the Inverse Funnel Cake System!

Make Money with the Inverse Funnel Cake System

Take a good look at the image above.

Now take another good look.

Just a funnel cake, you say. An American favorite at carnivals, ballparks and fairs. The cheap fodder of festival folklore.

To the untrained eye, that would be an obvious assumption.

But for those of us who know how to make money with MacGyver-esque skills, the funnel cake you see above is your ticket to unimaginable wealth.

You see, there is a little-known money making system known as the Inverse Funnel Cake System. This system is not to be confused with any reverse-funnel systems that may be out on the market...this one actually uses real funnel cake to rake in thousands of dollars of profits per day!!!

The premise is simple, but powerful; all you have to do is follow the three steps below:

Step One: Hire a team of 500 like-minded entrepreneurs, each with their own funnel cake business.

Step Two: Send those bad boys out into the field!!! Charge a $1,000 placement fee to put them in the most prime carnival locations across the country.

Step Three: Charge a 5% royalty for every funnel cake sold...you've just made yourself a multi-millionaire, my friend! End of story!

So you see, your options are not just limited to making money online. You can use an all-American favorite to pull in a plethora of prodigious profits as well!

Friday, February 22, 2008

You Have Just Entered Moneytown - - Population: Me

There's an old saying that says if you want to be successful at something (especially making money online), find someone who is already successful at it and simply copy what they did, and you should get the same results.

That works in most cases...but when you're a money making genius such as myself, it's almost impossible to duplicate exactly what I do; there's simply too many mental gymnastics involved for the average lay-person to keep up.

So, I have tried to simplify the ultra-complex processes and procedures that I employ and boil my thousands of money-making ideas down to a very straightforward formula that anyone can use to create thousands, if not MILLIONS, of dollars in mere seconds online. I call this method the Cash-Accelerating Systematic Hyper-Cash Overdrive Wondermoneymaker, or C.A.S.H. C.O.W. for short. I have outlined it below in my three-step process:

Step 1: Go to Genealogy.com and change your ancestry. Choose from among the Vanderbilts, Rothschilds, or Rockefellers.

Step 2: As soon as Step 1 has been completed, you're already seriously in the money. As a matter of fact, I'm going to stop right there. That's really all you need; a basic internet connection and a complete change of your family lineage. Nothing could be simpler.

Just think; this is only one example of my power-packed plethora of profit-pulling principles...feel free to look at the archives from 2007 as well as January of this year for more examples of the super-genius money making techniques that I have perfected. Also, keep tuning in for more money making methodologies in future posts--if you're not a multi-billionaire internet marketing mogul such as myself, you literally can't afford to miss it.

Monday, February 18, 2008

5 Reasons Why Your Blog Sucks and Won't Make Any Money and My Blog Rocks and Will Make Millions

Anyone can put some crappy blog together, hoping that they will make tons of money through different ad networks, affiliate marketing, etc. But it takes more than just a crappy blog, a dollar and a dream to make tons of money blogging. You have to have a blog that ROCKS, and at least a MILLION dollars and a dream.

So here's the five main reasons why your blog probably sucks and mine rocks...hopefully you'll learn from them and use them to change your evil ways:

1. Because I said so. This is the true definition of an authority site. Your blog sucks because I said it does, and mine rocks because I said it does. All the rest is just trivial details, but please read on anyway.

2. You don't link gratuitously to http://steadyphil.blogspot.com.

3. You don't link even more gratuitously to ProBlogger and Perry Marshall. Haven't you learned anything by now? Read up on my posts about the benefits of linking to ProBlogger and Perry Marshall.

4. You haven't employed the I. D.O.N.'T. S.U.C.K. method of making money online. Consequently, you DO suck. Come on, people...Once again, this is not rocket math.

5. You don't deep link enough to your previous posts. I have subtly but yet successfully linked to a butt-load of my earlier posts in this small but power-packed post.

Even though your blog sucks, I would still encourage you to use the techniques I have described above to maybe improve that hopeless pile of crap you're calling a "make money online blog". And when you do, please link to me so that I can revel in my money making mastery!!!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Make Money Online without a Website, a Product, a Computer, or Even a Pulse!

Yes, you can make money online without worrying about any of those trivial details such as having a computer, having a website, having a product, or even being online at all. As a matter of fact, YOU CAN MAKE MONEY ONLINE WITHOUT EVEN MAKING MONEY ONLINE!!!

As with most money-making methods, this is a carefully-guarded secret that has been passed down through a elite group of internet entrepreneurs since 1995. It's actually so secret that I don't even fully know the method. I have discovered and implemented only certain fragments of it, still with extraordinary results. Once quick example: I was able once to generate $3,576,822.87 online while SLEEPWALKING. Yeah...it's that serious.

Since it is such a lucrative method, I can only reveal one aspect of the fragment of the method that I do know of. Here it is: Read everything you can find by Perry Marshall.

That's all I can give you. More than likely, I'll just have to resort to revealing the more "plain vanilla" money making methods to my readership from now on. I hate to do this, but with such nuclear-meldown-producing profit potential of the more "secret" methods, I have to make this world a safer place by reserving those money making methods only for those of us who will use these powers for good, and not for evil.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Make Barrels of Money Clipping Coupons

Grab the scissors and get ready to ROCK. You don't even know making money until you know how to execute this cash-flow-producing stealth maneuver.

You can bring in TONS of cash through a little-known technique known as coupon-clipping-and-redemption.

Have you seen on the back of your average grocery store coupon, where it says "Redemption Value: 1/100th of a cent"? There's your ticket to wealth right there! Here's a four-step process to raking in a convulsion-producing amount of money through redeeming all of those grocery store coupons that nobody wants:

1. Gather up at least 5,347,893 coupons worth 1/100th of a cent apiece.

2. Get incorporated as a grocery store; don't be afraid to be creative with the name of your business! Don't settle for "ABC Grocery"; come up with something that will really sound convincing.

3. Send the coupons to the appropriate manufacturers so that you can get the proper credit for each coupon; make sure that the manufacturers make the check out to your new creative grocery store name!

4. Sit back and wait for those fat checks to roll in!!!

Who said that there was no other way to rake in the dough except by making money online? I've just shown you the golden key to offline wealth--so crank up the scissors, my friend!

Friday, February 8, 2008

Making Money Online is Not Rocket Math

Any raving idiot can make huge amounts of money online if they just follow the right path. The key is to find other idiots that have made tons of money online and duplicate their efforts.

Being an idiot is deceptively difficult, though. You have to be able to not understand things and not comprehend things, so that you can remain blissfully ignorant, and thereby increase your chances of stumbling upon the perfect money making formula. From most of the "make money online" internet marketing sites I have reviewed, this is the one trait they all have in common; the ability to stumble upon amazing secret cash-generating techniques that have only been accessed by a few elite money-making internet moguls.

So don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't make thousands of dollars a day online by stumbling upon the carefully-guarded wealth-building secrets of the internet power-gods. After all, it's not rocket math.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Make Money With or Without Your Underwear!

There are a plethora of internet marketing gurus that make tons of money online while sitting at their kitchen tables in their underwear. This assertion is so common now that there are actually thousands of pants-less people simultaneously pulling down tons of cash while enjoying a nice breeze below the abdomen.

But I'm promoting an online money-making method that takes the whole "sans pants" concept to the next level. My money-making method not only works when you're sitting at your kitchen table in your underwear; it actually works when you're not wearing ANY underwear at all!

How can this be, you ask? Easy...you can make money as a nudist!

I alluded to it in my post about making money running a nude marathon in a viking helmet. Why waste time with those cumbersome clothes when you can pull in the loot in your birthday suit?

So for all these so-called "gurus" that think they have something to brag about because they're pulling down some cheddar in their Fruit-of-the-Looms, I'm throwing down the gauntlet--and my clothes--and saying "Take it up a notch, pal...blog in the buff". I've done it, and there's no more liberating feeling in the world.

One money making bit of parting advice, however...pick a soft chair.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Pull TONS of Traffic to Your Blog via Shoemoney and John Chow

In the world of "make money online" blogging, there are a few superheroes that stand head-and-shoulders above the rest. We all know that Darren Rowse of ProBlogger holds the title of Blogging God from the 5th Parallel Dimension, so we will leave him out of this conversation entirely.

There are others, however, that share a piece of the limelight as well; namely, internet marketing/affiliate marketing/blogging gurus Shoemoney and John Chow. In this post I'm going to teach you a quick, simple, 3-step plan to pull a earth-shattering amount of traffic to your blog using their names & reputations as a springboard to launch your own tsunami of traffic!!!

Step 1: Link to Shoemoney and John Chow in your blog post.

Step 2: Invent some reason why they suck and why they're ruining the true blog community.

Step 3: Submit it to all the major social bookmarking sites, a la Digg, Del.icio.us, Reddit, Technorati, on & on.

There you have it...a revelatory recipe for a rush of ridiculous traffic, designed to bring a diarrhea-inducing swarm of online profits!!!!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

A Man That Doesn't Wear a Belt Cannot Make Money Online

If you can't keep your pants up, you're going to have a whale of a hard time making money online. You have to learn how to master the simple things before you can move to the more ninjitsu-powered cash-generating online strategies.

Think about it: If you don't have a belt on, how can you possibly support the large wads of cash that are weighing down your pockets? You're right...you can't.

With this in mind, I have included an affiliate link for anyone who is interested in purchasing a belt on eBay; please click the following links to take you there:

For men's belts, click here.

For women's belts, click here.

For car & truck belts from eBay Motors, click here. You may keep your money close to your water pump or something.

I think the theme here is clear...buy lots of belts through my affiliate links, so that I can add to my already-astronomical online profits.

Happy eBaying!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Guerrilla Money Making Tactics...Do You Have the Guts?

In the world of internet marketing, you have to have a certain amount of guts, cajones, chutzpah, and boldness to rake in the massive online profits. This requires a certain amount of knowledge of guerrilla money-making tactics...but be advised, it's not for the faint of heart.

The best example I have seen of guerrilla money-making tactics in a long time is this website:

http://www.giveusallyourmoney.com/

If only we could all have boldness like that! There would be no end to the typhoon of money that would bowl us over!!!

I encourage you to suit up (in your guerrilla suit, that is) and march into the money making melee with missiles of monetization monstrosities on your mind!!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

8 Hottest Money Making Methods for '08

People often consult with me to find out the latest trends and innovations in the area of making money online. They see me as the "go-to guy", with my finger firmly on the pulse of the hottest money making trends. You would do well to take heed to the pearls of fiscal wisdom that dribble forth from my ever-so-eloquent keystrokes.

So you want the latest insight? There's only one way to go to make tons of money in 2008, and that's by following these eight ways:

1. Flea markets - If there has ever been a way to procure preposterous profits, it would definitely be by buying a bunch of used junk and selling it at your local flea market for a hefty markup. Who said that your VHS rewinder from 1993 can't pull some major cash?

2. Mowing lawns - You do the math: 1,000 lawns a week x $20.00 per lawn??? You tell ME who the idiot is for not cranking up the Snapper.

3. Lemonade stands - Need I say more?

4. Selling encyclopedias - Door-to-door selling has not yet reached its full potential. Be the one to take it all the way there.

5. Recycling cans - Drink enough cans of Red Bull to give you enough energy to gather up all the empty Red Bull cans that you drank, and turn those bad boys in for a handsome profit!

6. Newspaper routes - Truly a 21st century concept.

7. Giving plasma - Why keep all of your bodily fluids to yourself, when a boatload of CASH is waiting on you when you share them? Go ahead, and don't fear the needle!

8. Yard sales - Take any overstock items from your flea market venture (see #1) and set up shop in your own front yard! But don't stop there--pull out those Jordache jeans from 1985 and complete your arsenal of cash-attracting inventory! An overwhelming deluge of dollars is waiting on you, so pick a Saturday morning and go for it!

With these eight methods to choose from, you cannot lose in your venture to make tons of money online in the new millenium. You'll see your profits soar to a blood-pressure-raising level of appendix-exploding lavishness!!!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Make Stoopid Fresh Mad Money with Def Ringtone Downloads!

If you want to be stoopid dope phunky fresh for dat '08, you better push up on these dope money making ringtone download sites:

http://www.justlogos-ringtones.com/ringtone-reseller.html

http://ringtones-business.com/

http://www.e-mobilemoney.biz

You can make money selling ringtones from dat Fiddy (50-cent), dat Beyonce, dat Gwen Stefani, or dat J-Lo (Jennifer Lopez). You can even sell ringtones from dat B-Lo (Barry Manilow).

Hop up on dat super-fly phunky-phresh dope phat krunkaholic money making business, fool!