Thursday, January 31, 2008

Make Money With or Without Your Underwear!

There are a plethora of internet marketing gurus that make tons of money online while sitting at their kitchen tables in their underwear. This assertion is so common now that there are actually thousands of pants-less people simultaneously pulling down tons of cash while enjoying a nice breeze below the abdomen.

But I'm promoting an online money-making method that takes the whole "sans pants" concept to the next level. My money-making method not only works when you're sitting at your kitchen table in your underwear; it actually works when you're not wearing ANY underwear at all!

How can this be, you ask? Easy...you can make money as a nudist!

I alluded to it in my post about making money running a nude marathon in a viking helmet. Why waste time with those cumbersome clothes when you can pull in the loot in your birthday suit?

So for all these so-called "gurus" that think they have something to brag about because they're pulling down some cheddar in their Fruit-of-the-Looms, I'm throwing down the gauntlet--and my clothes--and saying "Take it up a notch, pal...blog in the buff". I've done it, and there's no more liberating feeling in the world.

One money making bit of parting advice, however...pick a soft chair.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Pull TONS of Traffic to Your Blog via Shoemoney and John Chow

In the world of "make money online" blogging, there are a few superheroes that stand head-and-shoulders above the rest. We all know that Darren Rowse of ProBlogger holds the title of Blogging God from the 5th Parallel Dimension, so we will leave him out of this conversation entirely.

There are others, however, that share a piece of the limelight as well; namely, internet marketing/affiliate marketing/blogging gurus Shoemoney and John Chow. In this post I'm going to teach you a quick, simple, 3-step plan to pull a earth-shattering amount of traffic to your blog using their names & reputations as a springboard to launch your own tsunami of traffic!!!

Step 1: Link to Shoemoney and John Chow in your blog post.

Step 2: Invent some reason why they suck and why they're ruining the true blog community.

Step 3: Submit it to all the major social bookmarking sites, a la Digg, Del.icio.us, Reddit, Technorati, on & on.

There you have it...a revelatory recipe for a rush of ridiculous traffic, designed to bring a diarrhea-inducing swarm of online profits!!!!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

A Man That Doesn't Wear a Belt Cannot Make Money Online

If you can't keep your pants up, you're going to have a whale of a hard time making money online. You have to learn how to master the simple things before you can move to the more ninjitsu-powered cash-generating online strategies.

Think about it: If you don't have a belt on, how can you possibly support the large wads of cash that are weighing down your pockets? You're right...you can't.

With this in mind, I have included an affiliate link for anyone who is interested in purchasing a belt on eBay; please click the following links to take you there:

For men's belts, click here.

For women's belts, click here.

For car & truck belts from eBay Motors, click here. You may keep your money close to your water pump or something.

I think the theme here is clear...buy lots of belts through my affiliate links, so that I can add to my already-astronomical online profits.

Happy eBaying!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Guerrilla Money Making Tactics...Do You Have the Guts?

In the world of internet marketing, you have to have a certain amount of guts, cajones, chutzpah, and boldness to rake in the massive online profits. This requires a certain amount of knowledge of guerrilla money-making tactics...but be advised, it's not for the faint of heart.

The best example I have seen of guerrilla money-making tactics in a long time is this website:

http://www.giveusallyourmoney.com/

If only we could all have boldness like that! There would be no end to the typhoon of money that would bowl us over!!!

I encourage you to suit up (in your guerrilla suit, that is) and march into the money making melee with missiles of monetization monstrosities on your mind!!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

8 Hottest Money Making Methods for '08

People often consult with me to find out the latest trends and innovations in the area of making money online. They see me as the "go-to guy", with my finger firmly on the pulse of the hottest money making trends. You would do well to take heed to the pearls of fiscal wisdom that dribble forth from my ever-so-eloquent keystrokes.

So you want the latest insight? There's only one way to go to make tons of money in 2008, and that's by following these eight ways:

1. Flea markets - If there has ever been a way to procure preposterous profits, it would definitely be by buying a bunch of used junk and selling it at your local flea market for a hefty markup. Who said that your VHS rewinder from 1993 can't pull some major cash?

2. Mowing lawns - You do the math: 1,000 lawns a week x $20.00 per lawn??? You tell ME who the idiot is for not cranking up the Snapper.

3. Lemonade stands - Need I say more?

4. Selling encyclopedias - Door-to-door selling has not yet reached its full potential. Be the one to take it all the way there.

5. Recycling cans - Drink enough cans of Red Bull to give you enough energy to gather up all the empty Red Bull cans that you drank, and turn those bad boys in for a handsome profit!

6. Newspaper routes - Truly a 21st century concept.

7. Giving plasma - Why keep all of your bodily fluids to yourself, when a boatload of CASH is waiting on you when you share them? Go ahead, and don't fear the needle!

8. Yard sales - Take any overstock items from your flea market venture (see #1) and set up shop in your own front yard! But don't stop there--pull out those Jordache jeans from 1985 and complete your arsenal of cash-attracting inventory! An overwhelming deluge of dollars is waiting on you, so pick a Saturday morning and go for it!

With these eight methods to choose from, you cannot lose in your venture to make tons of money online in the new millenium. You'll see your profits soar to a blood-pressure-raising level of appendix-exploding lavishness!!!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Make Stoopid Fresh Mad Money with Def Ringtone Downloads!

If you want to be stoopid dope phunky fresh for dat '08, you better push up on these dope money making ringtone download sites:

http://www.justlogos-ringtones.com/ringtone-reseller.html

http://ringtones-business.com/

http://www.e-mobilemoney.biz

You can make money selling ringtones from dat Fiddy (50-cent), dat Beyonce, dat Gwen Stefani, or dat J-Lo (Jennifer Lopez). You can even sell ringtones from dat B-Lo (Barry Manilow).

Hop up on dat super-fly phunky-phresh dope phat krunkaholic money making business, fool!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

What Part of Killer Online Profits Do You NOT Understand?

The only way to make killer online profits is to be online. Through the latest technology, such as social networking sites like MySpace, Facebook, and Flickr, and also through ProBlogger, even the most inexperienced internet marketer can now learn how to make hordes of money by simply logging on & getting knocked over by rolling barrels of cash, as many internet gurus teach.

But there's a special, secret technique for pulling online profits that is rarely discussed, even among the most seasoned internet marketers--partly because it's so powerful, and partly because it's rarely discussed. It is the Super-Jet-Propulsion Time Travel Profit Generator. Notice the italics; that means that I'm actually whispering it as I write it. Yeah...it's that secret.

Using this method is not the safest route to go (see the movie "Deja Vu" for more information), but when used according to the following steps, your income will be invincible & inevitable!

Step 1: Locate any person who has a time travel machine. This will be the most time-consuming part of the strategy. You may even want to purchase your own time machine on eBay; click here for some possible options.

Step 2: Travel back in time to 1980. Buy IPO stock in Apple Computer.

Step 3: Travel a little distance forward to 1999. Become a venture capitalist in Google.

Step 4: You're all set. You can come back to the present, with all of your shares intact.

Congratulations, you are now a multi-billionaire! Please use your newfound online profits for good only, and not for evil.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

5 Ways to Make Vomit-Inducing Amounts of Money on eBay!

Making money on eBay should be a no-brainer to any seasoned internet marketer. Ebay is known as the world's online marketplace. Never before in the history of commerce has buying and selling been so simple, and so many different types of antique gumball machines been available for sale in one centralized location.

There are, however, a lot of "land mines" that you must avoid when selling on eBay. Tons of profits can be made, but you have to know the insider secrets to truly come out on top. Below are 5 power-packed methods that only the most elite of eBay insiders use to rake in enough profits to send yourself into a convulsive dry heave!!!

Method # 1: Find an image of the Virgin Mary inside any one of your regular meals, and put it up for auction. Research shows that most images of the Virgin Mary are found in sandwich-type meals, but don't rule out more robust entrees. Also, soups are good due to the constant change of shape...you may be able to detect multiple images at one time!

Method # 2: Sell an ebook for 1 penny that tells people how to sell ebooks for 1 penny that tells people how to sell ebooks for 1 penny that tells people how to sell ebooks for 1 penny.

Method # 3: Buy a half-pound burlap sack of unsearched precious gems, and resell them individually for $50,000 apiece. A slight caveat: People may not bid on the gems if you start the bidding at $50,000, so begin with a low bid, around 99 cents or so. But be sure to put a $25,000 reserve on each gemstone...this will be an absolute cash cow for you if you use this method.

Method # 4: Follow Britney Spears around and sell any objects that she happens to discard. This includes half-eaten sandwiches, gum that she may have chewed & spit out, etc. Sell these things as fast as you can get your hands on them. One caveat: Be careful not to tangle with her security guards...avoid them at all costs.

Method # 5: Auction off your soul. Unfortunately, this is a one-time effort, but you'll make out like a bandit if you're a worthwhile person.

Hopefully this post has opened your eyes to the plethora of profits that awaits you if you're willing to step out and do something that's out of the norm. You cannot make money online using mere "status quo" methods. Use eBay to propel your profit-generation to preposterous pinnacles of platitudinous perfection!!!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Make Preposterous Amounts of Money Using the Law of Attraction

You know, the secret to making money online cannot always be found in a certain SEO technique, a certain advertising program, or a certain amount of RSS subscribers. There are times when you have to enlist the help of the Universal Energetic Magnetic Field of the Greater Consciousness to supernaturally attract money into your pocket with the force of one of those gigantic horseshoe-shaped magnets that Wiley Coyote used to use on the cartoons.

With this in mind, I am going to give you a step-by-step guide to using the Law of Attraction to bring more money into your hands than you can ethically spend in 50 lifetimes!!! Here it is:

Step 1: You will need the help of someone who is big enough & strong enough to pick you up off the ground. Find this person first, and convince them to help you by way of the Mega-Magnetic Universal Telepathic Request Method. If you are not familiar with this method, stop the process right now. You can't even come close to properly using the Law of Attraction until you can manipulate peoples' decision-making powers first.

Step 2: After supernaturally persuading this person to help you, have them pick you up by your ankles and hang you upside down. IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure you're on a carpeted floor before attempting the next step.

Step 3: Instruct them to rub your head on the carpet back & forth, much like the motion used when erasing with a pencil. What you're doing is reversing the polarization of your skeletal, muscular & nervous system, allowing you to now attract the money that you once repelled.

Step 4: At this point, money should start flowing towards you almost immediately. As a matter of fact, you might want to duck in case the first few pieces of money are hard coins.

Step 5: You are now an official money magnet. Enjoy your new state of cash-attracting reverse polarization!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

A Quick But Powerful Cash-Manufacturing Blogging Tip

It's been said that writing shorter, more frequent posts that are laser-focused on making money online is better for your search engine rankings than laboring over long, 1000-words-or-more "pillar" posts. I figured that I would try the shorter post, but not change the frequency (still once a day, for the time being).

This translates into "I don't have the time nor inclination to write a meaningful post today, so this is all you're gonna get." I view this as the ultimate money-vacuuming strategy...always keep your audience guessing. You can never go wrong if you're never sure what the right thing to do is.

So, until tomorrow...making money with short posts ROCKS!!!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Make Millions Online with Clickbank

Clickbank is the largest retailer of digital products on the Web. You'll find more motivating money making manuals of monumental magnificence on this site than you can shake two sticks at.

I personally have raked in approximately $3,452,768.33333333334 so far from my Clickbank affiliate sales. Would you like to know how I did it? It's very easy, requires absolutely no effort, and can actually be done even by a person who is in a coma, on certain days. Just follow the steps outlined below, and watch a dynamic hurricane of cash flow blow the doors off your bank account!

Step 1: Get a Clickbank ID. This is easy to do; just go to www.clickbank.com and follow the easy instructions to get set up.

Step 2: Buy every single ebook (with resale rights) in the Money & Finance section. This will require a substantial capital outlay, but just look at it as an investment.

Step 3: Read ALL of those ebooks to have a good base of information to draw from. Remember, always invest in your education FIRST.

Step 4: Create an ebook that re-hashes all of the main points you learned from what you've read.

Step 5: Book a Village People reunion concert and take a backstage photo of you posing with the Village People. Put it in the ebook. This is entirely random, but a good way to add some "star power" to your ebook.

Step 6: Offer your ebook on Clickbank as "The Clickbank Cliff's Notes to Online Mega-Profits".

Step 7: Promote and sell your ebook through various affiliate links.

Step 8: Watch the profits roll in!

Making money with Clickbank is as easy as 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8!

Monday, January 7, 2008

Make So Much Money Online That You Vomit Your Own Lungs!

This is a near-impossible feat for those who are inexperienced in online revenue generation, but I personally have already done this, and I'm here to tell you, it's not pleasant.

I had to be rushed to the hospital to undergo emergency oral bi-lungar organic re-insertion surgery only minutes after it happened.

It all started when I discovered the secret to auto-responder riches, and my PayPal account started getting flooded with multiplied thousands of dollars in only mere seconds. This produced an involuntary reflex of lungovomitosis.

That's the reason for the absence of posts in the past couple of days...talk about a hassle.

I now realize that I'll actually have to slow down somewhat and accept these lightning-fast influxes of outrageous cash flow on a slightly more infrequent basis. This won't hurt my profits at all; it will just spread them out over a more reasonable amount of time.

What a healthy problem to have, you know? Maybe one day, if you keep absorbing the abundance of cash flow generating ideas from this site, you TOO could one day be in position to vomit up one of your major vital organs as well!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

What Mike Huckabee & Barack Obama Could Learn from a Money-Making Blogger Such as Myself

Since Obama and Huckabee have emerged as the front-runners in the Iowa Caucus, it's only natural that I would blog about them, and about what they could learn from a money making, dollar-magnetizing, cash-flow-creating, greenback-gathering, dollar-dominating blogger such as myself.

The first thing that they could learn is how to raise more money. Just judging by the numbers, Huckabee is probably in more need of this advice than Obama, but both of their campaign funds combined can't even touch the amount of money I spent on dinner tonight. All they would need is a little training in the S.M.A.R.T. method of online profit generation, and they could multiply their campaign dollars many times over.

The second thing they could learn is ingenuity, and maximization of resources. Many times, it doesn't take money to make money; if you have some decent "street smarts" and some good old-fashioned elbow grease, you can still pull in some major "cha-chingy" through such methods as the MacGyver money making formula. A little brain-power goes a long way in pulling in more campaign loot.

The third and final pearl of wisdom that they can glean from such a savvy internet marketer as myself is that you have to link to ProBlogger. Both Barack Obama's and Mike Huckabee's sites are attractive and clean; why not add a ProBlogger link to both sites and finish them off with a professional, money-attracting touch?

Just some points to ponder as our front-running candidates move along on the campaign trail...and I move along the making money online trail.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

How to Not Suck at Making Money Online in 2008

The best way to rake in an eyeball-melting mound of online profits is to develop enough S.M.A.'s (Success-Minded Acronyms) to keep yourself motivated through the ups and downs of online business.

So, in addition to my S.M.A.R.T. method of online profit generation, as well as my Buckshot Revenue Generation Strategy (pronounced burrgus), I have developed an excellent acronym for the New Year to help you cultivate the "winner's mindset" that's necessary for massive online profits to come banging down your door.

The acronym is simply this: I. D.O.N.'T. S.U.C.K.

Each letter gives you an action point that will put you in the company of the elite online money-makers. Don't let the simplicity of the acronym fool you; these are carefully guarded trade secrets that will launch a load of latitudinous loot into your lap!!!

I = Incentivize: You have to give people a reason to visit your site. Give them as many false promises of huge amounts of money as you can. Disillusionment is good for them; it helps them build the type of character necessary to make tons of cheddar online.

D = Dominatize: Whatever niche you have entered into, it is your responsibility to dominate that niche to the point where your competition runs away with their tails tucked between their legs. Don't think small; think Pinky & The Brain style domination.

O = Oversize: Promote your money-making techniques to be much more powerful than they really are. People appreciate this type of insincerity, as it gives them the fuel to dream big dreams, which is what they really want to do anyway. Truth in advertising is really overrated.

N = Neutralize: The competition, that is. This is very similar to the "Dominatize" point above. Render them helpless. If they're saying you can make $10,000 a day, claim that your techniques can make $10,001 a day. This should sway tons of traffic towards your site.

T = Tributize: Pay tribute to those that have come before you, who have paved the way for you to make money online. In other words, link to ProBlogger and Perry Marshall.

S = Supersize: This is the exact same thing as the Oversize point above. I actually can't add anything to it. It's just a way to complete this extremely wisdom-laden acronym.

U = Usefulize: You have to make yourself useful in every way you can. You have to multi-task, delegate, prioritize, and legitimize. This makes no sense, but it's very official-sounding.

C = Capitalize: Are you a capitalist? Well, then, just be yourself.

K = Kitchenize: Throw everything into your online business, INCLUDING the kitchen sink. Remember, that's one of the tenets of the Buckshot Revenue Generation Strategy.

Again, take these powerful principles, integrate them into your online money making strategy, and watch the brain-rattling, spine-exploding, backflipping plethora of profits roll in like a demon-possessed Tonka truck!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

No New Year's Eve Post?

What? No New Year's Eve Post? No tips for making money online in the New Year?

Yeah, I have to apologize for that one...

I was sitting at the house counting all of the money I had raked in from my online businesses, and I just couldn't get to the bottom of that pile, I tell ya!

So, I counted all the way into 2008, and up until tonight. If you need proof, you're not ready to make any real internet income. Quit fooling yourself.

Stay tuned for greater things in 2008...more money making ideas, more tips and techniques, and definitely a WHOLE lot more links to ProBlogger and Perry Marshall.

Happy New Year to all!