Make Money Online While Being Abducted by Aliens

Many of you may have been wondering where I've been all this time. I can assure you that even when you don't hear from me, you can bet your bottom dollar (which, incidentally, you can Paypal to me if you deem it necessary) that I'm making money online in some kind of way. So again, you may wonder why I haven't posted in such a long time. True, I've been busy with the usual blog moneymaking tactics I always employ, but the interesting thing is I've been able to generate online profits even while I was abducted by aliens and taken aboard a UFO recently.

See, let me explain. I have long believed that there was intelligent life on other planets. I just always wondered if they would be interested in giving me their money as well. So, I logged on to the internet and shortly discovered that my every money making move on the Web was being tracked by a rogue gang of aliens from the planet Zorkon, close to Tau Ceti. I found this out because I had recently signed up with Twitter, and they ended up following me on Twitter. Well, long story short, one night while I was making an evening deposit into my massive bank account via the ATM machine, a huge, bright light shone down directly above my car. All of a sudden, I was literally vacuumed up into a saucer-shaped spaceship and taken aboard a real-deal alien spacecraft. I saw rows and rows of sophisticated computer equipment, and I witnessed them working on computers that must have had several terabytes of RAM--really, really fast stuff. One of the aliens offered me some Bar-B-Q Fritos, which I couldn't resist. What I didn't know was that at the point I opened my mouth to consume the Fritos, another alien jammed a Q-tip in my mouth and took a throat culture right there on the spot. They then examined the culture under some type of highly sophisticated computerized microscope. Once they ran several tests and pulled several reports, all in the blink of an eye, I realized that they were ascertaining my money making capabilities directly from my DNA. They also strapped me into a machine and placed electrodes on my head, and performed several brain scans. It was amazing.

Long story short, after much intensive (and yet quick) research, they all agreed that there was no one living on planet Earth today that has more money making ideas and strategies than yours truly. So from now on, when you read this blog about making money online, always remember that I am Zorkonite-approved as the ultimate money making guru of all time.

Make Serious Money Online by Being Extremely Serious

I have already covered the importance of intensity in your blog moneymaking endeavors. I have also covered the importance of not being conventional in your cash generating tactics (see my previous post for more on that one). One thing that I have failed to touch on as of yet is the importance of being serious when you're making money online. Although I've been known to be somewhat of a prankster, a joker, a space cowboy, and even the Gangster of Love (that's what some call me anyway), I take my online business very seriouser than most.

In order for you to make serious money online, you have to be extremely serious. There's no way around it. This is very similar to the concept of making asinine money online by creating asinine content (gloobeefoobie, anyone?). If you have noticed a trend here, or if this post seems to be a slightly altered version of the previous post, that's because it is. I am simply creating content that basically boils down to stupid crap, all designed to either make you laugh or bore you to tears. Either way it goes, I win, because at the end of the day, only a serious internet marketer such as myself would even have the courage to attempt such a thing. And again, it takes a serious person to even give something like this a try.

Here's the paragraph where I utilize long tail keywords such as online money making tips, multiple streams of income, earn money, and e books. This is an essential part of my butt-kicking SEO skills, which also require great seriousivity. If you're not ready to be as serious as a heart attack, a nervous system failure, or even a chain reaction of exploding brain cells, you're not ready to earn money online.

So how do you get this serious? Well, there's two primary ways you can get it done:

1. Ask one of your friends to take a baseball bat and whack you on the head very hard one good time. Ask him to aim for the left-rear section of your head. This should affect the area of your brain that regulates seriousness, thereby making you incapable of entertaining non-serious thoughts.

2. Ask another friend (or, heck, maybe the same one) to inject you with sodium pentathol (a.k.a. truth serum). This should eliminate all sarcasm, snappy comebacks, and humor-based statements, stripping away all aspects of communication that could cause you to not be serious, leaving only the capability for you to be serious.

Now that you have a large knot on your head and dope in your system, you're finally able to really focus on making money online. Don't hand me no wuss crap about how much the baseball bat hurt or that you "don't like needles"; you have to learn how to stop at nothing in your determination to make your blog make money. After all, that's what serious internet marketers do.

Make Asinine Money Online--To the Point of Extreme Asininity

Don't listen to all these noobs out there with their cute little blogs trying to teach you how to make money online--most of the time they don't know what they're talking about. They've been involved in internet marketing for a grand total of three weeks and now all of a sudden they're ready to tell you all about how to make money fast...most of them can't even afford a popsicle on their Adsense earnings.

I have been in this game long enough to know what it takes to make tons of cash online. I have explained several cash generating methods and several money making secrets that are lost on the average web entrepreneur. I still have several techniques and methods in my deep bag of tricks that can make John Cougar Mellencamp cut a backflip over the Empire State Building while being chased by a half-insane man dressed as a monkey.

If you're like most people, you probably read that previous sentence and said--"WHAT???"

That's exactly my point...if you're ever going to separate yourself from the "blog make money online" crowd, you have to get a little asinine. Only when you get asinine can you expect to make asinine amounts of money online. As a matter of fact, gleeblefork gloobledookie gobble-gobble stupidhead flipperdoo jabberwockey ding-ding merry merry ha ha hoo hoo chizzleputty.

There it is again--keyword stuffing asinine words so that you can truly make asinine money online. If there's one thing I've learned about making money on the internet, it is the fact that you have to stand out from the crowd by saying something different. Not only have I done that with this and previous posts I've written, but I have taken it a step further with this post by writing complete gibberish. Blibby-blibby, stoopidhibby. Tookie-tookie, snook-falookie. Globber-globber, Google-snobber. Ultimately, these techniques will ensure that I will rule the make money online niche. Here's to your blooblefizzymuckyfluckybeebledweeble too!!!

Blog Yourself into Online Money Making Insanity!

There's no better way to blog yourself into a ridiculous euphoria of money making nirvana than to create a "make money online" blog. Here you have, at your very nimble fingertips, the ability to bring in multiple revenue streams with the click of a mouse. What more could you want?

I want to cover some top secret money making secrets that are very secretive. Now you know, since I'm such a generous guy, having already made millions of dollars on the internet (a practice that you so desperately seek to know the keys to), I really have nothing left to do except to expound upon the profundity of methodologies that I use to bring in the big bucks, mainly because I want to give back to all the "little guys" who may be deprived of such knowledge. This blog is my means of "giving back" to the community that has so graciously given to me, in the form of flooding my CJ account with affiliate sales from the plethora of "make money" ebooks I tirelessly market to anyone that's gullible enough to take the bait.

So how do you arrive at generating any revenue from blogging? You have to use a long-neglected ingredient in internet marketing: INTENSITY. That's right, folks, you have to get absolutely intense, to the point of near-insanity. As a matter of fact, if you're not willing to blog yourself into a rabid frenzy, you're not really ready for the big money online. If you're not willing to grab your computer monitor and smash your head right into the center of the screen, you're still playing around with this thing. As a matter of fact, if you're not willing to flip your computer desk completely over, set your PC on fire, bust out your bedroom window, and then hurl your flaming computer out of the window while screaming "Bring it on, cyberspace!!!", you might as well take up stamp collecting. Because any other degree of intensity besides what I just described is simply not going to cut it.

Come talk to me when you're really serious about making money online. Until then, keep tip-toeing through your pixie-dust blogging fantasy-world.

50 Money Making Ways to Increase Traffic to Your Blog (50th Post!!!)

Make Money with Your Blog as You Help Me Celebrate My 50th Post!!!


This post will forever stand as a landmark in the arena of making money online. Why, you ask? Because SteadyPhil's Make Money Online Blog has now officially reached 50 posts!!! As a part of the celebration, I wanted to give credit where credit is due--Thanks again to all of my 4,563,423,627.33333 Feed Readers--you guys wouldn't be where you are without me.


The greater part of this celebration, however, is what I will give to all of you, my loyal readership (and any new traffic that Google is generously sending my way, due to my absolute mastery of search engine optimization). I have decided to do something that is rather unique, especially for an internet marketer that pulls in boatloads of cash without even hardly waking up in the morning. I'm going to use this 50th post to give back to the internet marketing community; I'm going to "spill the beans" here and expose some of the most death-defying, all-encompassing, hyper-extending, lethal-weapon-wielding, hyphenated-word-describing money making methods ever known to mankind, and even some select animal species.


But don't let these extremely overly superlatively descriptive words fool you. I'm going to show you my bare-bones, cut-and-dry, to-the-core, no-nonsense traffic generating methods that have allowed me to reach the prestigious level of 8th Degree Google Black Belt. But before I do that, let me first give you a little history.


I had heard from several of the A-list bloggers in the "make money online" niche that you have to write "pillar posts" if you want to really bring in the big bucks and make your blog make money. I mistakenly thought that they were saying "pillow posts", and so I created a blog that described all different types of couch pillows, throw pillows, memory foam pillows, and so forth. I found out quickly that this wasn't the case. They actually meant "PILLAR" posts, as in something that stands as a memorial or a landmark, solid as a rock, like a large column on a big building. I fully intend on this post being one that will go down in history; one that you will one day sit around the fireplace with your grandchildren and recount with a warm sense of joy in your heart. And I can think of no better topic to memorialize in a post than how to increase the amount of incoming traffic to your blog.


So, with that having been said, it's time to make history with...


50 Money Making Ways to Increase Traffic to Your Blog


1. Write letters to all of your friends asking them to visit your website. Include a flyer with your URL printed on it.


2. Hire a pilot to skywrite your URL.


3. Hire another pilot to fly a plane with a trailing banner that has your website printed on it. NOTE: Only use your top-level domain; anything else will be way too long to print on a banner.


4. Climb to the top of a mountain and send smoke signals in the shape of your URL.


5. Send your URL via morse code to all of the submarines in the U.S. Navy. This will hopefully garner those ever-valuable "dot mil" backlinks.


6. Go streaking during the halftime show at your local high school's football game. Make sure to hold up a sign with your URL written on it.


7. Call a meeting with all of the shoeshine boys in your state and tell them to give your URL as the latest "hot internet tip".


8. Go to your local news stations, tell them you were Paris Hilton's boyfriend/girlfriend, and then tell them they can read all about it at your website.


9. Attend the PGA tour, stay within eyeshot of the camera, and hold up a sign with your URL on it, right beside the guy with the "John 3:16" sign.


10. Take a trip to Pedro Escebedo (in Mexico) during Easter, and stand right beside the crying statue of the Virgin Mary holding a sign with your URL printed on it. You'll have thousands of onlookers clamoring to visit your blog.


11. Spray-paint your URL on any famous tourist landmark, such as the Statue of Liberty or the Washington Monument.


12. Hire a pyrotechnics expert to create a bundle of fireworks that will explode into the shape of your URL. Make sure to launch them at the most popular 4th of July fireworks display in your town.


13. Post a suicide note on your blog and then kill yourself. Downside: Can only be done once.


14. Sneak into your local Chinese restaurant and replace their fortune cookies with cookies that all have your URL printed on the paper inside.


15. Stand in the middle of Times Square and hold a sign with your URL printed on it. This is way more effective if you scream expletives the entire time.


16. Become a contestant on "Jeopardy" and write your URL as the answer to the Final Jeopardy clue.


17. Plummet off the edge of Niagra Falls in a kayak with your URL painted on the hull.


18. Become a contestant on "Wheel of Fortune" and shout your URL as the phrase that solves the puzzle.


19. Enter as a contestant on "American Idol" and tell Ryan Seacrest that everyone has to vote for you by visiting your website.


20. Google bomb your URL for the term "Mariah Carey". Easy traffic here.


21. While you're at it, pay Mariah Carey to create a song with your URL in the chorus.


22. Find a way to get a hold of the master copy of the S.A.T. test, and print your URL in the top-right corner. Once the test is mass-distributed, you'll get a TON of teenage traffic.

23. Steal a copy of the President's State of the Union speech, and insert your website address into a couple of key spots. Before he even knows it, he'll be promoting your website to the entire country on national TV!

24. Hire a team of Navy S.E.A.L.s and have them conduct a clandestine operation to break into the home of every person in the U.S. who has a computer, and then have each member of this crack team log on & visit your site. This will give you tons of hits from unique IP's all across the country.

25. Pay Oprah's broadcast producer to insert your URL into the teleprompter text a couple of times. There's no greater traffic magnet than having "Oprah juice".

26. While you're at it, write a 150-page book with nothing but your URL on every page, and then have Oprah promote it to her Book Club.

27. Pay Dr. Wayne Dyer to sprinkle his esoteric spiritual talks with your URL a couple of times. This will help you draw the ever-important personal development traffic.

28. Get John Chow to review your site.

29. Get Darren Rowse of ProBlogger to promote your site on his feed...he's the only person I know with more feed readers than me.

30. While I'm thinking about it, don't forget the basics I taught you a long time ago about linking to ProBlogger. Do this and your traffic is guaranteed.

31. Create list posts, like this one. Don't go for 50, though...this crap is TEDIOUS.

32. Deep link every single word in your make money online posts much like I did with this one.

33. Put your URL as a reference link for every single topic on Wikipedia.

34. Get Google to put a link to your URL on their home page, right under the search bar. Tell them it's for some environmental cause, and you'll be a shoe-in.

35. Do the same for Yahoo.

36. Then do the same for MSN.

37. Convince the U.S. Postal Service to create a stamp with your URL on it. Talk about insane amounts of exposure!

38. Fake your own abduction by a UFO. Leave a note telling everyone that the aliens will only reveal your location through your website.

39. Sponsor a Village People reunion concert and hang a banner behind center stage with your URL plastered all over it. I mentioned the power of the Village People in a previous post about how to make millions online with Clickbank--you would do well to take heed to that advice.

40. Follow the traffic-pulling method I outlined when I talked about about making your blog make money with Shoemoney and John Chow.

41. Go on Dancing with the Stars and wear some tight bell-bottomed slacks with your URL embroidered on both back pockets. Note: This will not work if you are not a star.

42. Convince your local newspaper to edit their crossword puzzle so that every clue spells out your URL.

43. Persuade your local Wal-Mart greeter to wear a hanging sign with your URL printed on it.

44. Work closely with your local Girl Scouts chapter to sell cookies with your URL drizzled on the top in fudge.

45. Convince the CIA to broadcast ultrasonic radio waves giving people the subliminal instruction to visit your website.

46. The next time Paris Hilton goes to jail, be SOMEWHERE near the action, holding a sign with your URL printed on it. You'll get tons of media coverage by default.

47. Legally change your name to your URL. This will force people to think about your website every time they think about you.

48. One word: Spam. No, not the unsolicited commercial email you're thinking of, I'm talking about getting back to the real thing; Create a partnership with Spam (the canned meat product) and ask them to put your URL on their label in exchange for placing a Spam advertising banner on your site.

49. Create your own search engine and have your website listed as number one for every single search result. Check out SteadyPhil's Search Engine as an example.

50. Repeat each of the above steps twice to give you 100 money making ways to generate MAD traffic to your blog!!!

Make Money Online Faster Than a Bowlegged Squirrel on Crack!

Making Money Online at a Rapid and Even Rabid Pace

That's right, folks! I have just developed yet another money making system that can take anyone from being a complete worthless LOSER that deserves to be dragged out in the street, shot 49 times, and thrown off a CLIFF into a mega-cool WINNER that rakes in so much money online, they'll be able to wipe their DOG'S BUTT with hundred-dollar bills!!!

Trust me when I say, this is different than many of the systems and methods I have detailed in past posts, such as the S.M.A.R.T. way to make money online, or the I. D.O.N.T. S.U.C.K. method of making money online. This system doesn't even have an acronym! It uses a combination of associate programs, affiliate programs, blog tips, some miscellaneous quotes from Derek Gehl, and some semi-vague references to working from home. It is a hodgepodge of sorts, but always remember that VARIETY is what is needed to make big money online.

So here's the basic layout of my super-secret cash making system:

1. Call the Better Business Bureau and ask them to grant you immunity to any complaints about your online business.

2. Join practically every affiliate program you can find. I don't care if it's an associate program that sells cat doo-doo, it's worth its salt if you value diversification.

3. Run a Google AdWords campaign on the phrase "make money online at the beach while sitting in a lawn chair with your laptop", and then make sure to link to Perry Marshall.

4. Monetize the above three steps by installing StatCounter, tracing each search visitor's IP address, back-tracing their phone numbers through a paid phone tracing service, cold calling every search visitor one-by-one, and asking them to buy your affiliate products that you were pushing through your AdWords campaign.

If you can't see the ridiculously HUGE potential of such money making secrets as described above, you must be a schizophrenic brain-dead dimwit!!!

Now, some people have claimed that these methods are borderline "black hat", but I tend to disagree. I haven't worn a black hat in years, so this could not be possible. They are simply "out of the box" methods that small-minded non-success-minded people will never be able to accept or grasp, simply for the fact that these people don't have a clue about making money online. So don't let the simplicity of these methods fool you...put them to work and see if you don't start making big money online like me!!!

Make Money Online with Web 2.0, Web 3.0, Web 4.5, and Web 347.2

Make Money Online Using Web 2.0 and WAYYY More...


Unless you've been hiding under a rock for the past two years, you should know that the hottest way to make money online is with all of the new Web 2.0 technologies, such as social media marketing. If you can't Stumble Upon a way to Digg through what you've Reddit, then you'll Furl on some serious Del.icio.us Technorati-cal ways to Sphinn your Propeller.


Although I have done previous posts on some classical methods like using eBay to make money, there are tons of opportunities to make money online with some of the newer technologies that are available, a la Web 2.0. That's right, if you ain't hip to the newest Wordpress themes and plugins that are available, you don't know squat about making money on the internet. As a matter of fact, I almost feel like a pathetic doofus for using a Blogspot blog because they're so passe. I am obviously not cool enough yet to rake in the dough with the big dogs, so I'll just wallow in my Web 0.5 sorrow.


Sometimes when I think about the way that Web 2.0 has revolutionized internet marketing, I get a little peeved because I feel like I just can't catch up with all the new blogging resources that are available. So, instead of trying to follow the path that the Web 2.0'ers have made, I'm blazing my own trail--that's right, I'm kicking it up a notch like Emeril.


Make Money Online with Web 3.0--Screw Web 2.0!!!


One of the first monetization models I'll be rolling out is...yes, none other than Web 3.0. Just as Web 2.0 is all about social bookmarking, Web 3.0 is about social book-binding. The way it works is simple: You can become a bookbinding vendor for all of your friends' writing projects! Many of us know people who are trying to earn extra income through writing books, but they lack the technical expertise to get the job done. But that's where you come in. You'll take whatever writing project they have, get it paginated and saddle-stitched in two shakes of a lamb's tail, and the next thing you know, you're creating yet another stream of income for yourself!

Make Money Online with Web 4.5--Another Step Forward

Just like Web 3.0 is a model that blows the doors off of Web 2.0, I have actually unearthed a money making method known as Web 4.5--get ready now, because here's where the true internet marketing ninjas get their kicks.

For this reason, I can only reveal a very minute detail about Web 4.5, and it's simply this: Web 4.5 is such an improvement on Web 2.0, that it's actually DOUBLE of what Web 2.0 is, plus an extra 0.5 on top of it! This guarantees you to have double the online profits you would normally have. And in the case of internet marketing gurus like myself, that equals to about half of America's total Gross National Product.

But I haven't even enlightened you to one of the true money making strategies that have propelled me to online revenue generation greatness. It's the ultimate tool in my arsenal...and I call it:

Web 347.2!!!

Making money online with Web 347.2 is reserved for the most elite internet marketers only. You may find hints of it in various ebooks being sold on eBay, or in the latest affiliate program. Social media marketing can't even touch what these money making techniques can to. They are as unstable as plutonium, yet subtle as the wind. Put these strategies into the wrong hands, and you've got yourself a nuclear fallout. This is why I cannot disclose these money making secrets on this post. Just suffice it to say...they're bad to the bone. The world is simply not ready yet.

So, for the general safety and welfare of the public, I will stick to the strategies that employ Web 4.5 and below to make money online. Maybe one day society will have advanced enough for me to reveal them, but until them, I will continue to rake in the online profits behind the curtain.

You Have Just Entered Moneytown - - Population: Me

There's an old saying that says if you want to be successful at something (especially making money online), find someone who is already successful at it and simply copy what they did, and you should get the same results.

That works in most cases...but when you're a money making genius such as myself, it's almost impossible to duplicate exactly what I do; there's simply too many mental gymnastics involved for the average lay-person to keep up.

So, I have tried to simplify the ultra-complex processes and procedures that I employ and boil my thousands of money-making ideas down to a very straightforward formula that anyone can use to create thousands, if not MILLIONS, of dollars in mere seconds online. I call this method the Cash-Accelerating Systematic Hyper-Cash Overdrive Wondermoneymaker, or C.A.S.H. C.O.W. for short. I have outlined it below in my three-step process:

Step 1: Go to Genealogy.com and change your ancestry. Choose from among the Vanderbilts, Rothschilds, or Rockefellers.

Step 2: As soon as Step 1 has been completed, you're already seriously in the money. As a matter of fact, I'm going to stop right there. That's really all you need; a basic internet connection and a complete change of your family lineage. Nothing could be simpler.

Just think; this is only one example of my power-packed plethora of profit-pulling principles...feel free to look at the archives from 2007 as well as January of this year for more examples of the super-genius money making techniques that I have perfected. Also, keep tuning in for more money making methodologies in future posts--if you're not a multi-billionaire internet marketing mogul such as myself, you literally can't afford to miss it.

5 Reasons Why Your Blog Sucks and Won't Make Any Money and My Blog Rocks and Will Make Millions

Anyone can put some crappy blog together, hoping that they will make tons of money through different ad networks, affiliate marketing, etc. But it takes more than just a crappy blog, a dollar and a dream to make tons of money blogging. You have to have a blog that ROCKS, and at least a MILLION dollars and a dream.

So here's the five main reasons why your blog probably sucks and mine rocks...hopefully you'll learn from them and use them to change your evil ways:

1. Because I said so. This is the true definition of an authority site. Your blog sucks because I said it does, and mine rocks because I said it does. All the rest is just trivial details, but please read on anyway.

2. You don't link gratuitously to http://steadyphil.blogspot.com.

3. You don't link even more gratuitously to ProBlogger and Perry Marshall. Haven't you learned anything by now? Read up on my posts about the benefits of linking to ProBlogger and Perry Marshall.

4. You haven't employed the I. D.O.N.'T. S.U.C.K. method of making money online. Consequently, you DO suck. Come on, people...Once again, this is not rocket math.

5. You don't deep link enough to your previous posts. I have subtly but yet successfully linked to a butt-load of my earlier posts in this small but power-packed post.

Even though your blog sucks, I would still encourage you to use the techniques I have described above to maybe improve that hopeless pile of crap you're calling a "make money online blog". And when you do, please link to me so that I can revel in my money making mastery!!!

Making Money Online is Not Rocket Math

Any raving idiot can make huge amounts of money online if they just follow the right path. The key is to find other idiots that have made tons of money online and duplicate their efforts.

Being an idiot is deceptively difficult, though. You have to be able to not understand things and not comprehend things, so that you can remain blissfully ignorant, and thereby increase your chances of stumbling upon the perfect money making formula. From most of the "make money online" internet marketing sites I have reviewed, this is the one trait they all have in common; the ability to stumble upon amazing secret cash-generating techniques that have only been accessed by a few elite money-making internet moguls.

So don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't make thousands of dollars a day online by stumbling upon the carefully-guarded wealth-building secrets of the internet power-gods. After all, it's not rocket math.

Make Money With or Without Your Underwear!

There are a plethora of internet marketing gurus that make tons of money online while sitting at their kitchen tables in their underwear. This assertion is so common now that there are actually thousands of pants-less people simultaneously pulling down tons of cash while enjoying a nice breeze below the abdomen.

But I'm promoting an online money-making method that takes the whole "sans pants" concept to the next level. My money-making method not only works when you're sitting at your kitchen table in your underwear; it actually works when you're not wearing ANY underwear at all!

How can this be, you ask? Easy...you can make money as a nudist!

I alluded to it in my post about making money running a nude marathon in a viking helmet. Why waste time with those cumbersome clothes when you can pull in the loot in your birthday suit?

So for all these so-called "gurus" that think they have something to brag about because they're pulling down some cheddar in their Fruit-of-the-Looms, I'm throwing down the gauntlet--and my clothes--and saying "Take it up a notch, pal...blog in the buff". I've done it, and there's no more liberating feeling in the world.

One money making bit of parting advice, however...pick a soft chair.

Pull TONS of Traffic to Your Blog via Shoemoney and John Chow

In the world of "make money online" blogging, there are a few superheroes that stand head-and-shoulders above the rest. We all know that Darren Rowse of ProBlogger holds the title of Blogging God from the 5th Parallel Dimension, so we will leave him out of this conversation entirely.

There are others, however, that share a piece of the limelight as well; namely, internet marketing/affiliate marketing/blogging gurus Shoemoney and John Chow. In this post I'm going to teach you a quick, simple, 3-step plan to pull a earth-shattering amount of traffic to your blog using their names & reputations as a springboard to launch your own tsunami of traffic!!!

Step 1: Link to Shoemoney and John Chow in your blog post.

Step 2: Invent some reason why they suck and why they're ruining the true blog community.

Step 3: Submit it to all the major social bookmarking sites, a la Digg, Del.icio.us, Reddit, Technorati, on & on.

There you have it...a revelatory recipe for a rush of ridiculous traffic, designed to bring a diarrhea-inducing swarm of online profits!!!!

A Man That Doesn't Wear a Belt Cannot Make Money Online

If you can't keep your pants up, you're going to have a whale of a hard time making money online. You have to learn how to master the simple things before you can move to the more ninjitsu-powered cash-generating online strategies.

Think about it: If you don't have a belt on, how can you possibly support the large wads of cash that are weighing down your pockets? You're right...you can't.

With this in mind, I have included an affiliate link for anyone who is interested in purchasing a belt on eBay; please click the following links to take you there:

For men's belts, click here.

For women's belts, click here.

For car & truck belts from eBay Motors, click here. You may keep your money close to your water pump or something.

I think the theme here is clear...buy lots of belts through my affiliate links, so that I can add to my already-astronomical online profits.

Happy eBaying!

8 Hottest Money Making Methods for '08

People often consult with me to find out the latest trends and innovations in the area of making money online. They see me as the "go-to guy", with my finger firmly on the pulse of the hottest money making trends. You would do well to take heed to the pearls of fiscal wisdom that dribble forth from my ever-so-eloquent keystrokes.

So you want the latest insight? There's only one way to go to make tons of money in 2008, and that's by following these eight ways:

1. Flea markets - If there has ever been a way to procure preposterous profits, it would definitely be by buying a bunch of used junk and selling it at your local flea market for a hefty markup. Who said that your VHS rewinder from 1993 can't pull some major cash?

2. Mowing lawns - You do the math: 1,000 lawns a week x $20.00 per lawn??? You tell ME who the idiot is for not cranking up the Snapper.

3. Lemonade stands - Need I say more?

4. Selling encyclopedias - Door-to-door selling has not yet reached its full potential. Be the one to take it all the way there.

5. Recycling cans - Drink enough cans of Red Bull to give you enough energy to gather up all the empty Red Bull cans that you drank, and turn those bad boys in for a handsome profit!

6. Newspaper routes - Truly a 21st century concept.

7. Giving plasma - Why keep all of your bodily fluids to yourself, when a boatload of CASH is waiting on you when you share them? Go ahead, and don't fear the needle!

8. Yard sales - Take any overstock items from your flea market venture (see #1) and set up shop in your own front yard! But don't stop there--pull out those Jordache jeans from 1985 and complete your arsenal of cash-attracting inventory! An overwhelming deluge of dollars is waiting on you, so pick a Saturday morning and go for it!

With these eight methods to choose from, you cannot lose in your venture to make tons of money online in the new millenium. You'll see your profits soar to a blood-pressure-raising level of appendix-exploding lavishness!!!

What Part of Killer Online Profits Do You NOT Understand?

The only way to make killer online profits is to be online. Through the latest technology, such as social networking sites like MySpace, Facebook, and Flickr, and also through ProBlogger, even the most inexperienced internet marketer can now learn how to make hordes of money by simply logging on & getting knocked over by rolling barrels of cash, as many internet gurus teach.

But there's a special, secret technique for pulling online profits that is rarely discussed, even among the most seasoned internet marketers--partly because it's so powerful, and partly because it's rarely discussed. It is the Super-Jet-Propulsion Time Travel Profit Generator. Notice the italics; that means that I'm actually whispering it as I write it. Yeah...it's that secret.

Using this method is not the safest route to go (see the movie "Deja Vu" for more information), but when used according to the following steps, your income will be invincible & inevitable!

Step 1: Locate any person who has a time travel machine. This will be the most time-consuming part of the strategy. You may even want to purchase your own time machine on eBay; click here for some possible options.

Step 2: Travel back in time to 1980. Buy IPO stock in Apple Computer.

Step 3: Travel a little distance forward to 1999. Become a venture capitalist in Google.

Step 4: You're all set. You can come back to the present, with all of your shares intact.

Congratulations, you are now a multi-billionaire! Please use your newfound online profits for good only, and not for evil.

5 Ways to Make Vomit-Inducing Amounts of Money on eBay!

Making money on eBay should be a no-brainer to any seasoned internet marketer. Ebay is known as the world's online marketplace. Never before in the history of commerce has buying and selling been so simple, and so many different types of antique gumball machines been available for sale in one centralized location.

There are, however, a lot of "land mines" that you must avoid when selling on eBay. Tons of profits can be made, but you have to know the insider secrets to truly come out on top. Below are 5 power-packed methods that only the most elite of eBay insiders use to rake in enough profits to send yourself into a convulsive dry heave!!!

Method # 1: Find an image of the Virgin Mary inside any one of your regular meals, and put it up for auction. Research shows that most images of the Virgin Mary are found in sandwich-type meals, but don't rule out more robust entrees. Also, soups are good due to the constant change of shape...you may be able to detect multiple images at one time!

Method # 2: Sell an ebook for 1 penny that tells people how to sell ebooks for 1 penny that tells people how to sell ebooks for 1 penny that tells people how to sell ebooks for 1 penny.

Method # 3: Buy a half-pound burlap sack of unsearched precious gems, and resell them individually for $50,000 apiece. A slight caveat: People may not bid on the gems if you start the bidding at $50,000, so begin with a low bid, around 99 cents or so. But be sure to put a $25,000 reserve on each gemstone...this will be an absolute cash cow for you if you use this method.

Method # 4: Follow Britney Spears around and sell any objects that she happens to discard. This includes half-eaten sandwiches, gum that she may have chewed & spit out, etc. Sell these things as fast as you can get your hands on them. One caveat: Be careful not to tangle with her security guards...avoid them at all costs.

Method # 5: Auction off your soul. Unfortunately, this is a one-time effort, but you'll make out like a bandit if you're a worthwhile person.

Hopefully this post has opened your eyes to the plethora of profits that awaits you if you're willing to step out and do something that's out of the norm. You cannot make money online using mere "status quo" methods. Use eBay to propel your profit-generation to preposterous pinnacles of platitudinous perfection!!!

Make Preposterous Amounts of Money Using the Law of Attraction

You know, the secret to making money online cannot always be found in a certain SEO technique, a certain advertising program, or a certain amount of RSS subscribers. There are times when you have to enlist the help of the Universal Energetic Magnetic Field of the Greater Consciousness to supernaturally attract money into your pocket with the force of one of those gigantic horseshoe-shaped magnets that Wiley Coyote used to use on the cartoons.

With this in mind, I am going to give you a step-by-step guide to using the Law of Attraction to bring more money into your hands than you can ethically spend in 50 lifetimes!!! Here it is:

Step 1: You will need the help of someone who is big enough & strong enough to pick you up off the ground. Find this person first, and convince them to help you by way of the Mega-Magnetic Universal Telepathic Request Method. If you are not familiar with this method, stop the process right now. You can't even come close to properly using the Law of Attraction until you can manipulate peoples' decision-making powers first.

Step 2: After supernaturally persuading this person to help you, have them pick you up by your ankles and hang you upside down. IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure you're on a carpeted floor before attempting the next step.

Step 3: Instruct them to rub your head on the carpet back & forth, much like the motion used when erasing with a pencil. What you're doing is reversing the polarization of your skeletal, muscular & nervous system, allowing you to now attract the money that you once repelled.

Step 4: At this point, money should start flowing towards you almost immediately. As a matter of fact, you might want to duck in case the first few pieces of money are hard coins.

Step 5: You are now an official money magnet. Enjoy your new state of cash-attracting reverse polarization!

A Quick But Powerful Cash-Manufacturing Blogging Tip

It's been said that writing shorter, more frequent posts that are laser-focused on making money online is better for your search engine rankings than laboring over long, 1000-words-or-more "pillar" posts. I figured that I would try the shorter post, but not change the frequency (still once a day, for the time being).

This translates into "I don't have the time nor inclination to write a meaningful post today, so this is all you're gonna get." I view this as the ultimate money-vacuuming strategy...always keep your audience guessing. You can never go wrong if you're never sure what the right thing to do is.

So, until tomorrow...making money with short posts ROCKS!!!

Make Millions Online with Clickbank

Clickbank is the largest retailer of digital products on the Web. You'll find more motivating money making manuals of monumental magnificence on this site than you can shake two sticks at.

I personally have raked in approximately $3,452,768.33333333334 so far from my Clickbank affiliate sales. Would you like to know how I did it? It's very easy, requires absolutely no effort, and can actually be done even by a person who is in a coma, on certain days. Just follow the steps outlined below, and watch a dynamic hurricane of cash flow blow the doors off your bank account!

Step 1: Get a Clickbank ID. This is easy to do; just go to www.clickbank.com and follow the easy instructions to get set up.

Step 2: Buy every single ebook (with resale rights) in the Money & Finance section. This will require a substantial capital outlay, but just look at it as an investment.

Step 3: Read ALL of those ebooks to have a good base of information to draw from. Remember, always invest in your education FIRST.

Step 4: Create an ebook that re-hashes all of the main points you learned from what you've read.

Step 5: Book a Village People reunion concert and take a backstage photo of you posing with the Village People. Put it in the ebook. This is entirely random, but a good way to add some "star power" to your ebook.

Step 6: Offer your ebook on Clickbank as "The Clickbank Cliff's Notes to Online Mega-Profits".

Step 7: Promote and sell your ebook through various affiliate links.

Step 8: Watch the profits roll in!

Making money with Clickbank is as easy as 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8!

Make So Much Money Online That You Vomit Your Own Lungs!

This is a near-impossible feat for those who are inexperienced in online revenue generation, but I personally have already done this, and I'm here to tell you, it's not pleasant.

I had to be rushed to the hospital to undergo emergency oral bi-lungar organic re-insertion surgery only minutes after it happened.

It all started when I discovered the secret to auto-responder riches, and my PayPal account started getting flooded with multiplied thousands of dollars in only mere seconds. This produced an involuntary reflex of lungovomitosis.

That's the reason for the absence of posts in the past couple of days...talk about a hassle.

I now realize that I'll actually have to slow down somewhat and accept these lightning-fast influxes of outrageous cash flow on a slightly more infrequent basis. This won't hurt my profits at all; it will just spread them out over a more reasonable amount of time.

What a healthy problem to have, you know? Maybe one day, if you keep absorbing the abundance of cash flow generating ideas from this site, you TOO could one day be in position to vomit up one of your major vital organs as well!